EXCLUSIVE: There’s No Money In A Lazy Stoner

Mark Madden

THERE’S NO MONEY IN A LAZY STONER

Abyss nearly beat RVD to death with “Janice,” a board spiked with nails. RVD was soaked in gore, hospitalized and stripped of the world title by TNA because he couldn’t defend it. (That way, RVD also didn’t have to LOSE it, but that column’s already been written, just about Shawn Michaels.)

When RVD returned to Impact, he should have been spewing fire and brimstone. He should have vowed bloody revenge while pointing at his scars. He should have been hysterical about losing the most coveted prize in sports and sworn that he would retrieve it sooner, not later.

That’s the way you do things in wrestling. No debate. That’s just how it’s done.

When RVD returned, he did so BY PHONE. Couldn’t even be bothered to make it to the Impact Zone, or someplace that provided a satellite hookup. He wasn’t spewing, or swearing, or hysterical. In fact, RVD didn’t even seem to be annoyed. He just mumbled sports clichés. While he didn’t want to be stripped of the title, he understood why TNA did it.

Jesus. Where’s the money in that? If RVD doesn’t care about what Abyss did to him, why should I?

I’m sure RVD thinks he’s just being true to his lazy stoner character. Yo, Spicoli…there’s NO MONEY in a lazy stoner. Raven did the disenfranchised, neurotic Kurt Cobain gimmick, but when the bell rang, Raven fought as if he didn’t care whether he lived or died. RVD just dreams about another bong hit. Wrestling is adrenaline, not THC.

My main problem isn’t with RVD, though.

My main problem is with TNA for allowing it to happen. How does something like that get on the air? How does Vince Russo, or Eric Bischoff, or Terry Taylor, or Mike Tenay not say, “Hey, wait a minute. That isn’t right. Do it right.”

Does a pissant like RVD really have creative control? That’s like giving a dung pile creative control. “Hey, like it or not, I’m gonna sit here and stink. Live with it.”

Here’s a more likely scenario: Somebody “in charge” tried to tell RVD what to do, and he went to Dixie Carter and got his way, because Dixie always gives the talent their way.

I don’t know that this happened. I do know it’s happened before. Those “in charge” constantly berated Samoa Joe for dressing sloppy. For looking sloppy. For being sloppy. “Dress like a professional athlete,” they told Joe. “Tone up. You don’t need to be a bodybuilder. You do need credibility.”

Those “in charge” knew what they were talking about. Problem was, Joe’s a lazy pig who overrates himself. Joe balked. When those “in charge” persisted, Joe went to Dixie. Dixie backed Joe. “Just let Joe be himself,” Dixie said.

Boy, talk about your worst-case scenario. Look at Joe now. He’s a bum. Nobody cares about him. The “real” aura is gone. It’s been replaced by, “Geez, he’s real fat.”

Those “in charge” knew better. Those “in charge” are supposed to know better. That’s why they’re “in charge.” But Dixie wants everyone to be happy. Think Joe’s happy now? Joe’s the poster boy for wasted opportunity.

RVD’s the poster boy for wasted. WHAMMY!

Dixie Carter is the worst promoter in pro wrestling history. She makes Herb Abrams look like Paul Boesch.

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