The Slammys & Wrestling as a Soap Opera

WrestleZone


I guess I didn’t get the memo that wrestling shows have become full blown soap operas…I mean, where are the matches? TNA had one, yes ONE, match in the first 50 minutes of the show this week. And I think four overall. I’m all for storyline and character development, but this is a wrestling show on Spike, this isn’t SoapNet. It’s getting ridiculous. Factor in the WWE devoting a 3 hour show to what will be glorified comedy routine and I am craving the actual wrestling…please just give me a match or two! Or how about giving us a Slammy Award category that a wrestling fan would actually care about? You’d think these shows are catering to an audience of 12 year old girls with the categories they have came up with. If I were doing the Slammys I would do categories like…

RANK THE DIVAS IN ORDER OF HOW MUCH YOU’D LIKE TO SLEEP WITH THEM:

Maria

Kelly Kelly (the top two are more like a tie)

Eve

The Bella Twins (if simultaneously, clearly move them to the top of the list)

Maryse

Candice

Katie Lea Burchill

Tiffany

Michelle McCool

Melina

Mickie James

Layla

Beth Phoenix

Jillian

Victoria

Lillian Garcia

Natalya

Vickie Guerrero

Now that would be an awards show worth watching. Instead, we get this weak, Daytime Emmy ripoff that will be airing Monday night. Like Steve Anderson hit on in his column yesterday, The Slammys provided some campy, fun moments in the 80’s. The ones in the 90’s were not nearly as fun. And this Monday’s return of the awards will undoubtedly be the least fun of all! The camp and cheese factor will be gone, the results will be arbitrary, and Stephanie McMahon will appear on my TV. Feh. Since there is no actual explanation for how these award winners are selected, we can only assume the answer will be “whatever furthers their creative agenda the most.” So here are my predictions…please file these under the collective banner of who cares.

– Superstar of the Year: Triple H –

Edge and Cena missed too much time, Hardy wasn’t a champ, Batista had a down year, and Jericho (who is the only other viable candidate) is a heel.

– Match of the Year: Shawn Michael vs Ric Flair –

– Diva of the Year: Michelle McCool –

This is based on her sleeping with The Undertaker and furthering her heel turn. Phoenix is clearly the most deserving.

– OMG Moment of the Year: CM Punk cashes in MitB

Who named this award? After all, most wrestling fans just love to use terms like OMG. Since Punk has been pushed way to the back burner, he probably won’t win this…so Cena winning the Rumble or Taker/Edge will likely win to promote their agendas. But this should win.

– Damn! Moment of the Year: Santino tries Melina’s entrance –

JR in the sailor suit? Why oh why do they continuously try to demean this man?

– Tag Team of the Year: Miz & Morrison –

– Best Finisher: Bourne’s Shooting Star Press –

– Extreme Moment of the Year: Hardy’s swanton bomb onto Orton from the RAW set –

– Couple of the Year: Glamarella –

This is slam dunk easy. One of the lone consistent bright spots week in and week out. This was the perfect union for both of them.

– Best WWE.com Exclusive: “The Dirt Sheet” –

A better question would be…does anyone actually watch these?

– Breakout Star of the Year: Kozlov –

Or should I say Ludvig Borga 2.0? Did you know that Borga was Randy Couture’s first ever MMA opponent?

– Best Musical Performance: R-Truth –

The nominees for this category are absurd…why did they bother making this category? Just so he can sing this again? I can’t wait!!!

– Announce Team of the Year: Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole –

After all, they can’t pass up another chance to embarrass JR!

– Best Impersonation: Charlie Haas as The Glamahaas”

Cross-dressing is always funny!

In other words, we are in for a craptastic night of stupidity on Monday! Maybe I’ll just DVR some daytime soaps and watch them from 8-11…there’s likely to be just as much wrestling action!

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