The most unsung hero in professional wrestling is the commentator, and not the heel commentator, or the color man, but the play by play guy. If you have a lousy play by play (pbp) guy, your product will not only suffer greatly in the fans mind, but worse, they will have no idea why. They re much like the referee in that respect, when they are really good, you shouldnâ<80><99>t notice them, but somehow the action seems so much better for it, enhanced in some unquantifiable way. Yet it is very much quantifiable. When they do poorly, the broadcast, not unlike refereeing again, takes on the air of a glen gilberti match. It sucks cock and balls.
Wrestling history is littered with more rotten commentators than probably any other sport, worked or otherwise, and if we stacked that trash heap up high for all to see, I donâ<80><99>t think Rocky Balboa could have run those steps of garbage, and certainly not all the jackass rugrats who raced with him through my beloved Fairmount Park in Philadelphia in Rocky 2. As an aside, this writer only enjoyed the odd numbered Rockyâ<80><99>s (although I do cop to not having seen 6). Yes, that statement bears repeating but perhaps in a different way; I hated Rockysâ<80><99> 2 and 4. First of all Rocky 1,masterpiece. As a local Philly boy; that is correct, I was born and raised in Philadelphia, until we started moving at age 10, and no, not to Short Hills, New Jersey, Cherry Hill, New Jersey(although I once lived there for a year when I started wrestling), or anywhere else in Jersey. Short Hills was Bill Apterâ<80><99>s decision, and he has no idea how much Iâ<80><99>ve been tortured and tormented by people thinking I lived in these places. People constantly insist they have relatives and friends who went to school with me, even though in my entire life which includes a 20 year career of worldwide traveling, I have never been there once. I donâ<80><99>t even know where it is. Nice rib Bill.
As I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself, as a local Philly boy, how could I not love the brilliant tale of a broken down hometown fighter who just wanted to go 15 rounds with the champ while his manager, the former crime boss the Penguin extolled him toâ<80><9c>eat lightning, and crap thunderâ<80>. Although later in life he would beome an ice fisher wityh his son Jack Lemmon, and tell him a few different words of advice. He told Lemmon “take the skin boat to tuna town”. If that makes no sense, you didnt see the movie or you are to young to begin with.
Rocky 2 sucked. . . mainly . . . . b/c it sucked. I mean câ<80><99>mon, do I really want to see Rocky learn how to drive a Trans Am, and piss away his money, I cant even remember if he fought Apollo Creed again or not. The last time I saw that movie was in the theater, in like 1978 or something and Iâ<80><99>ll be damned if I remember anything other than . . . . . oh yeah, it sucked.
Rocky 3, now there was a movie. I donâ<80><99>t care how big a work Mr T turned out to be, he was awesome. I had seen this program the year before called the Worldâ<80><99>s Toughest Bouncer or some such shit, and there was Mr T, all ripped, bad ass, and gold chained tossing people through bars, down stairs, causing all around mayhem, and generally making a world class ruckus before dominating and destroying all competition to win the title. Interestingly enough, they never had another one of those contests. That should have set off my Sherlock Holmeboyâ<80><99>s instincts right there that something was amiss, but I was still young and like my future hero Fox â<80><9c>Spookyâ<80> Mulder (a sobriquet later thrown on me prior to being called Boss, as in hey Boss, whatâ<80><99>s going on? My non de plume was Raven â<80><9c>Spooky â<80><9c> Mulder b/c of my well researched conspiracy theories)â<80>I wanted to believeâ<80>. Actually at that point I was like 12, and I was way too naÃ¯ve to realize that the fix was in, that it was a work from the get-go, and the finish was Mr T going over with the Mohawk in the conservatory.
In fact that may have been the first Fox program ala, the worldâ<80><99>s greatest car chases, etc. a full 2o years prior to Fox even deciding they wanted to start a network, much less having a cellar dwelling 4th place network, a proverbial last place machine before the mighty juggernaut of American Idol, steamrolled the big 3 into submission. (editorâ<80><99>s note and fun fact The Boss(a.k.a. Raven) hates American Idol).
Rocky 4, xenophobia at its finest and . . . . it sucked. Maybe its me, but I just couldnâ<80><99>t get past the Italian Stallion training old school in a barn, while Dolph Lundgren was gassed to gills using every piece of modern equipment, including some that haveâ<80><99>nt been invented yet. All I could picture was he was actually training at Sly Stalloneâ<80><99>s house in Malibu, using Slyâ<80><99>s gas, Sly’s equipment and they probably double teamed Brigitte Neilsen. If that wasnt bad enough, they killed Apollo Creed. Rascist f***s. To quote one of our generation’s finest actors, Kyle from South Park, “they killed Apollo Creed. You bastards”. At least I think they killed Creed,maybe Mickey died, I donâ<80><99>t remember. Who cares anyway. Sucked.
Rocky 5 was great. I thought it was perfect, he couldnâ<80><99>t walk away, and his son didnâ<80><99>t want to fight, so he adopts Tommy Morrison(or Missyâ<80><99>s ex), alienates his kid, and then Larry Zybysko turns on Bruno. Or Morrison, turns on Rocky. Same angle. It always works, its foolproof. Which is why people always screw it up nowadays, b/c even though it may be foolproof, it isnâ<80><99>t moron proof.
Anyway, I was talking about commentators, and commentators it will be . . . in my next article. Seriously, it will. It is clever, well written, and already completed. My wife says I have ADD, but I never have time to pay attention to that. Oh look a chicken.
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