I thought I’d have a bit of fun with this edition. End of year awards and the like are saturating the columnist market at the moment, and the drug issue tackled in the last RBTR was a very serious, often philosophical, outlook which raised some genuine concerns with the state of health amongst wrestlers and the demands for them to push their bodies to the limit, perhaps too far. Well, while I cannot promise that such philosophical outlooks will be avoided in this column, I can promise a little light-hearted festive fun. Today, I give to you people my predictions for 2006… some genuine… some ridiculous.
– The WWE will drag out more faceless divas from the diva search contest of either 2005 or, perhaps (and God forbid) 2006, and hire them to contracts which mean absolutely nothing because within a few months they will be fired and replaced by Faceless Diva #26… who in turn will be replaced by Faceless Diva #27 a few months later… and so on.
– John Cena’s boos will continue to get louder and louder. The harder thing to predict is whether the WWE will do something about it. Perhaps a heel turn? Or perhaps being demoted from the top face spot? Vince faces a difficult decision. Cena is a very marketable champion who sells merchandise and brings in the almighty dollar for the Mcmahons. But on TV his jeers are getting louder? Does Vince sacrifice merchandise sales, or does he sacrifice the atmosphere and, for lack of a better term, the overness of Cena’s character on screen? Bare one thing in mind when deciding; Vince is a business man.
– Edge will injure himself and miss his Money In The Bank title shot. Seriously, how funny would that be?
– CM Punk will finally be put on WWE television, produce a 5 star quality match, only for it to be accused of being “too simulated” by Shawn Michaels and Triple H, leading to an instant demotion.
– The ghost of Tim White will haunt the WWE headquarters.
– The WWE will have at least one more HIAC match in the year 2006.
– The Undertaker will feud with The Boogeyman, perhaps leading to an eventually gimmick match that might, or might not, have been alluded to in the previous prediction statement.
– Randy Orton will realise his dad is also a legend and will RKO his father, adding him to his “legend killer” list.
– HHH will move on to a feud with John Cena. HHH, by this time, will have put on about 20-30 pounds, making him wrestle as slow and sluggish as he did at the 2004 Royal Rumble (perhaps his largest weight to date, and most sluggish performance, despite the match actually being somewhat entertaining). Hunter will then drop the pounds again shortly after, bringing him back down to his current weight, slightly improving his mobility and match quality.
– Steve Austin will reconcile with Vince and the WWE and be brought back on TV. After a few weeks of stunners and beer swilling, Austin will be asked to job to the returning Harvey Whippleman in a match for the women’s title, a belt Whippleman pinned Trish Stratus for only weeks earlier. Austin will refuse, walking out on the company again.
– Hulk Hogan will return to WWE television and make an emotional appearance by parading around the ring with “Real American” playing and an American flag in hand. The 50 millionth Hogan re-debut will break all records for the longest in-ring parade, with Real American looping 152 times. After an astonishing 8 hours 43 minutes of celebration, Hogan will finally leave… only to stop at the top of the ramp and pose for another 3 hours in front of the giant screen.
– Matt Hardy’s website will be taken down and revamped… then taken down again… then revamped… then taken down… then revamped… then take down…
– Jeff Hardy will show up to a wrestling event on time. Just once, though.
– Vince will introduce the new South African tag team of Terry Trans and Joose ves Tite, The Transvestites. They will go on to feud with another new tag team, consisting of Irish duo Perry Peado and Phillip O’ Phile, The Peadophiles, finally completing the jigsaw of offensive and ludicrous angles/gimmicks Vince has conjured up and thrown on national television.
– Ric Flair will hit the strip.
– Kevin Nash will pull a muscle in a fast food restaurant, from a bowl. In doing so, he will pull a muscle.
– Jeff Jarrett will win the NWA title a record 567 times in one year.
– Terry Funk will retire forever… forever… forever… forever… forever… forever… forever… forever… forever.
– New Jack will kill the Dudley/Deadly Boyz.
– A returning Zach Gowen will win the Royal Rumble because, based on current rules, he cannot be eliminated.
– Paul Heyman will STILL owe money.
– Panda Energy will still LOSE money.
– Billy Gunn/Kipp James//Rockabilly/The Outlaw will be forced to change his name again to Doogle McNoogle. After failing to make an impact under the moniker, McNoogle will then change his name to Big Johnny, under a gimmick where he preaches safe sex to those in attendance.
– Doug Basham will become a big star, securing a spot in the main event at WrestleMania and having a long, sustained run at the top with one of the WWE’s world titles. He will then wake up.
– 2006 won’t be Gene Snitsky’s fault.
– Neither will it be the McMahon’s or the terrible booking team. Or the creative process or the failure of the current main event stars. It will be the Internet’s fault. The Internet and the midcarders not “stepping up to the plate.” Damn you midcarders who get no chances!
– WWE will add more PPVs to their calender. The increase will see the PPV count for 2006 around the 97 mark.
– Jimmy Jacobs will be signed by the WWE with the promise of a major push and world title victory. Unfortunately for Jimmy, the push and word title will come in the form of being crowned the Mini’s Champion on Smackdown!.
– The ECW PPV will return again this year. HHH will see this as an opportunity to headline another PPV and convince Vince to make a main event match of himself vs. JBL to truly help capture the “all ECW” affair.
– The Ultimate Warrior will go on to star in The Exorcism of Damien Demento, a new feature film hitting cinemas in the summer.
– The WWE Spanish announce team will finally bill wrestlers for the damages to their ringside tables.
– Stephanie Mcmahon will get bigger.
– Bryan Danielson’s aeroplane spin will make an opponent sick mid-match.
– William Regal and Chris Benoit will have another little-known 5 star match on Velocity.
– Linda Robin and David Long will break the record for the most columns published in one calender year on the IWC, submitting a staggering 5,678 columns in 2006.
– RBTR will continue to be published on the IWC providing great readers like yourself show it support.
– Jared Balstrup will make his return to the IWC.
– The Human Tornado will perfect a new move where he eats garlic bread for nothing but a week and breaths on his opponent until they are prone for the ‘Bitch Slap’ and an ‘Atomic Wedgie’.
– Wrestling will continue to thrill, shock, disappoint, sadden, and surprise each and every one of us.
Have a great Christmas and New Year.
Until next year,