Mojo Madden’s Raw #1,000 Madness! Overall Show Thoughts

Nick Paglino

Why can’t A.J. marry Daniel AND be Raw GM? That’s an insult to working wives.

“I’m the greatest WWE superstar EVER.” Rock’s music hits. Ah, the comedic timing of Lenny and Squiggy. “Hello!”

NEW MERCH ALERT! New Rock T-shirts.

The Rock will wrestle for the WWE championship at Royal Rumble? Geez, actual long-term booking. But The Rock won’t be on TV between now and then. That’s in January, right? Christ, it’s July. What the FRIG are we supposed to do until January?

Few champions in recent memory have made their title seem more important than C.M. Punk.

Yo, Rock: Jim Cornette called. He wants his joke book back.

Bret Hart is turning into his father. I mean that in a good way.

As the show progresses, I’m losing interest. A) It’s not that good. B) Three hours is too long for ANYTHING.

Charlie Sheen says Daniel Bryan has no clue how to treat a woman. Sheen should say Keith Richards can’t handle his drugs.

Regis Philbin is turning into Stu Hart. I mean that in a good way.

5-hour Energy cures a broken arm?

Paul Heyman’s facials put him in a class by himself promo-wise.

OH MY GOD, IT’S CHYNA! No, wait…MY GOD, IT REALLY IS CHYNA!

Triple HWhy can Steph berate Heyman about his kids, but Heyman can’t berate Steph about hers? Why did Lesnar do his deliberate, formal ring entrance while his representative was getting his ass kicked? “SCREW YOUR INTRO! HELP ME!” What’s the point of taking Triple H out of the underdog’s role by having Lesnar sell? Why did Heyman do nothing but put over Steph and his wife?

Oh, right…continued employment. Hey, the hours are good!

ANOTHER HOUR? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

More Vince. He’s what made Raw great. Just ask his daughter. Oh, wait, they are asking his daughter.

LITTLE PEOPLE ARE FUNNY!

NEW MERCH ALERT: Raw buddies! My Raw buddies are a fifth of Jack and a 12-pack of Diet Rite Pure Zero Cherry Cola.

FINKEL IS BACK! And he looks like me!

Does Lita have smaller implants? If so, she should be arrested.

Uh-oh. Looks like yoga class let out early tonight.

Clothesline from HECK, please. DARN, not DAMN. PG! PG!

I have a bad feeling they’re building toward a match between Charlie Sheen and Daniel Bryan.

Michael O’Donoghue: “I don’t write for felt.”

Macho Man sighting! OOH, YEAH! I miss Randy.

“In a blind taste test involving Ray Charles, Jose Feliciano, Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller Jr., Mean Gene Burgers beat McDonald’s and Wendy’s.” “Did you make that up just now, Gene?” “Well…I have been known to throw the bull on occasion.”

THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV ARE BACK! And the bald one is dressed like a stegosaurus!

Undertaker needs his hair back BAD. He looks like a geek.

Who these six guys I’ve never heard of? Are they from ROH?

How many of you have been bullied? How many of you have been bullied by a WWE superstar? How many of you have been bullied by a member of my family? How many of you have seen my dad bully Jim Ross? Cool, huh?

The further away Charlie Sheen gets from Two-and-a-Half Men, the less funny he gets.

Clobberin’ time? Not after three hours. It’s SLEEPY TIME.

After a night loaded with ga-ga, good luck trying to build a legit match.

Punk has an angel on one shoulder, a devil on the other. C’mon, Phil! Channel your inner Larry Kroger!

A DQ finish in the main event of Raw #1,000 really hammers home the disposable nature of all this crap.

The devil wins. Punk turns. There’s your big summer angle. Except I’m not sure Punk knows he turned. Or is happy he turned. Not good. Ambiguity can be difficult to sell.

Mark Madden hosts a radio show 3-6 p.m.weekdays on WXDX-FM, Pittsburgh, PA(105.9). Check out his web page at WXDX.com. Contact Mark by emailing wzmarkmadden@hotmail.com. FOLLOW MARK ON TWITTER: @MarkMaddenX

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