I Fight Authority, Authority Always Wins

Mark Madden

HHHThe “authority figure” storyline is the worst kind of fake wrestling drivel, repeated ad nauseam ever since Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vince McMahon set the genre’s benchmark (and made it impossible to top).

Has it worked since? Not really. Has it been well done since? Not really.

Vickie Guerrero’s schoolteacher-with-PMS routine provides good promos, but never leads to anything that draws or entertains beyond the promo. A good wrestling character playing an authority figure doesn’t equate to a compelling storyline.

Let’s agree that “authority figure” storylines don’t work, and suck besides.

So why do wrestling companies keep doing them?

That’s easy. They give the owners/operators a chance to be on camera and ham it up. In WWE, “the family” is all that matters. The charge against Triple H and Chyna Jr. will not be led by Daniel Bryan or Big Show, but by Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

The non-wrestlers feud. The wrestlers perform as stooges.

It doesn’t draw, as all recent figures indicate. WrestleMania is purchased by rote, and enough “special appearances” by part-timers or celebrities increase the numbers, but credit will go to “the family.” WWE convinces itself that people care about “the family.” Not enough to get anybody elected senator, but THEY CARE, DAMMIT!

Except they don’t. If they did, ratings and PPV buyrates would be better. No matter what loony criteria IWC morons apply, all that matters is revenue.

I have a hard time getting a read on Triple H.

I don’t pretend to know Paul Levesque well, but I spent some time around him during Ric Flair’s last WWE run. Seemed like a really good guy, and mutual friends say the same thing. But his character on TV is so thoroughly unlikable, and some of the things he says in mainstream interviews are so anger-provoking, that you wonder how much of his real persona bleeds through. Maybe he’s just a real good heel.

Or maybe he’s just spent too much time around the McMahons. We are known by the company we keep.

Triple H has done some despicable shoots on TV, like making fun of Chris Masters’ deflating physique during one of WWE’s occasional steroid crackdowns. That blew up Masters’ character. His WWE days were numbered after that. Triple H’s politicking and acts of career sabotage are well known. Now that he’s in charge, it’s not even “politicking” or “career sabotage.” It’s MANAGEMENT. It’s BEST FOR BUSINESS.

Not sure why Triple H said that Chris Jericho was never “THE GUY” for WWE. Maybe it’s setting up Jericho’s return in the future.

But, as Jericho tweeted, Triple H was never “THE GUY,” either. Just a cast member. Who knows where Triple H would be if he hadn’t married well?

Perhaps Triple H is capable of running WWE, perhaps not. But remember that the ONLY reason he’s getting the chance is because he married Chyna Jr.

WWE can’t stand when a WWE SUPERSTAR is capable of prospering without wrestling. Jericho has proven he can. WWE wants its performers to be totally beholden. It’s like heroin addiction, except much more aggravating and Godless.

TNA, meanwhile, is doing an “authority figure” storyline so the money mark can be a star. In front of a rapidly dwindling audience, that is. Before that, it was so crippled Hulk Hogan could consume half TNA’s TV time without having to, y’ know…DO SOMETHING. Of course, TNA always imitates WWE. Stir that into the equation.

Fake wrestling will do the “authority figure” storyline over and over, but won’t repeat storylines that made sense and actually worked. Pulitzer Prize winner Bruce Mitchell of PWTorch.com once did a column plugging current TNA wrestlers into an old Mid-South storyline. It was brilliant, and would have been more fascinating than Hogan limping (but not nearly as fascinating as Brooke Adams’ ass).

My God, what an ass that woman has. It has a Facebook, several Twitters and GIFs are all over the place. That ass deserves to be in WWE.

Speaking of dirty innuendo, the sexiest wrestling hold ever is when a madly grinning A.J. puts an opponent in the Black Widow (nee Octopus). HOT.

C.M Punk is dating A.J. and is involved in a great storyline far away from “the family.” SMARTEST MAN IN FAKE WRESTLING.

Follow Mark on Twitter: @MarkMaddenX

Have a news tip? Attended an event and want to send a live report? Submit it now!