When the inevitable zombie apocalypse arrives, and the WWE decides to pair up average joes (and janes) with wrestlers to form crack zombie extermination teams; who will be your partner? Can you see yourself taking on the undead with Triple H at your side? Or would you prefer the calming influence of The Rock or John Cena?
Now, this is only a fun exercise if we can include wrestlers past and present. So let’s suppose that the great minds at WWE’s top secret lab (of course they have one) have managed to create a serum that allows former stars of the ring to reverse age their muscle mass. Old school wrestlers such as Hulk Hogan (yes even him), Jerry Lawler, and Mad Maxine are now all at the peak of their physical prowess and ready to do battle with the undead.
Chosen in a nationwide lottery of fans who at any stage in their lives wrote to one of their wrestling heroes, you are now a fresh recruit in a military base awaiting partner assignment. And a glitch in the assignment software means that you have to choose your own partner. Here’s our advice.
We all know from expert experience (watching every season of the Walking Dead) that zombies are attracted to noise. And if there’s one thing wrestlers are good at, it’s making a lot of it. So we’re going to need someone that knows how to maintain control. That rules out the shirt-ripping, screaming ball of anger that is Hulk Hogan.
Your partner is also going to need bags of stamina as sleepless nights, and epic battles will be the hallmarks of your mission. You don’t want your zombie-killing buddy falling asleep on their watch resulting in you becoming the main course in a dinner party for the undead.
In a scenario where a split-second decision could mean the difference between life and death, we’re going to need someone with good game intelligence. A wrestler that knows when to attack and when to take a step back.
We’re also going to need a winning mentality because when the chips are down, and you’re up against a tide of zombies, a defeatist attitude will be the end of you. So we need a wrestler that is no stranger to winning but who also has had their fair share of ‘up against it’ moments.
There aren’t too many wrestlers out there with weapons experience, so both of you will go through a rigorous training program. Can you see Alberto Del Rio taking orders and accepting that there’s something he doesn’t know? Yeah, we don’t think so either. Your partner will need just enough humility to let him, or her learn how to use a gun properly.
So who has a calm and measured demeanor that won’t attract too much attention? Who has enough in the tank to keep going through a mission that could last for years? Who has a knack for making the right decisions? And who has a winning mentality and never gives in to those doubts?
For us, it’s down to three.
John Cena for his cool and calm assuredness.
The Rock for similar reasons to Cena plus he’s been in quite a few action flicks and looks like he knows how to handle himself in an emergency.
And The Undertaker for, well for being the Undertaker of course. We can imagine that even the undead might think twice (do zombies think?) before taking on the awesome might of the former world champion.
We did say three but if we could squeeze Mad Maxine into the team somehow, we probably would. We’re only choosing her because she looks the part though so she might end up getting us killed at some point.
Unfortunately, the odds of a zombie apocalypse are 1/1000, and we’re not going to lie, we’re just a little bit disappointed. The idea of taking The Undertaker on a zombie killing rampage through a shopping mall or partnering up with Mad Maxine on an apocalyptic road trip is everything we have ever dreamed of.
So who would you choose?