WWE RAW results from August 3, 2009!
WWE RAW Results — PAGE ONE
RAW Opener: Jeremy Piven & Dr. Ken, The Miz, John Cena
RAW opens with the introduction of Jeremy Piven and "Dr." Ken Jeong. Piven comes out in a convertible and starts his walk to the ring. He goes back to the trunk and opens it, and out pops Dr. Ken in a pimp suit similar to his role in the movie "The Hangover" (where he was nude). Jeong is a crazy man in the ring who won’t shut up. Piven is trying to get his plugs out and hit certain memorized points. Out comes The Miz, who gets in Piven’s face. Piven calls him "lame-Miz." The two continue to go back and forth when out comes John Cena. Miz says he wants a match with Cena. Cena tells Piven he beat him in two minutes last week so make it interesting. Piven makes Cena vs. Miz tonight in a Lumberjack match. He says if Miz loses he is banned from "Summerfest" (which Cena corrected to SummerSlam). Piven says if he loses, Miz will also be banned from RAW for life. So it’s official.
Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
Winner: Jack Swagger
After the Match:
Swagger continues to punish a defenseless Bourne. MVP runs into the ring making Swagger jump out of the ring as the crowd chants "MVP! MVP! MVP!"
-Cole and Lawler introduce a highlight package of some of the media coverage of Shaq hosting RAW last week, followed by clips of Shaq on RAW.
Backstage: Piven, Dr. Ken & Big Show
Backstage we see Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken with some of the WWE Divas. Dr. Ken is spazzing out again as usual. He is trash talking Big Show and of course, behind him, unbeknowst to him, stands the Big Show. Piven shoves a pacifier in Dr. Ken’s mouth when he spazzes out some more. Piven mocks Big Show for being fat and for getting punked by Shaq. Big Show challenges Piven. Piven, with no transition, says it’ll be Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston for the MVP title tonight. Big Show likes the idea – so it’s on.
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WWE RAW Results — PAGE TWO
Diva Tag-Team Match
Out first are Mickie James and Gail Kim who come out to their music which sounds in the arena. They wait in the ring as we go to commercial. As we come back Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall are announced to the ring and they come out as their music sounds in the arena. All four women are standing in the ring. Bell rings and the match begins. Starting off with Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix, but Mickie James is tagged in immediately. Mickie James on the top rope for a high flying move on Beth with a kick out on two. Phoenix goes for the cover again with another kick out. Beth Phoenix dominating early in the match. Jillian gets the tag from Beth. Mickie fighting Jillian, trying to get to the corner to tag Gail Kim. Mickie James gets the tag on Gail Kim. Beth gets the tag on Jillian. Gail Kim with a drop kick off the top rope. Beth gets the tag on Jillian without Gail Kim seeing. Beth Phoenix pins Gail Kim for the win.
Winner: Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall
-Triple H is shown walking backstage as we head to commercial.
Legacy comes out first followed by "The Game". Triple H is controlling the action early on. HHH avoiding double-team attempts by Legacy to keep things going his way as we head to a mid-match commercial. We return to find out that DiBiase attacked HHH behind the ref’s back while Rhodes was the legal man. This shifts the momentum as Rhodes is controlling HHH as we return to live action. HHH slowly trying to come back, but DiBiase runs in for a double-team attack to keep things going for Legacy. Rhodes misses a huge moonsault and lands hard. Both guys are down now, Rhodes trying to crawl to DiBiase for the tag while HHH tries to get back to his feet. HHH gets up first and knocks DiBiase off the corner so Rhodes couldn’t tag him. "The Game" now going to work on Rhodes. DiBiase tries to interfere but HHH knocks him out of the way with ease. Triple H tries to hit Rhodes with the pedigree but DiBiase comes from behind and hits the dream-street. Rhodes quickly covers HHH but only gets two. Rhodes picks HHH up and hits the cross-Rhodes on him and gets the pin for the victory.
After The Match: HHH Bringing Back D-Generation X
As Legacy is walking up the ramp, HHH is laying on the ground with a mic saying "ouch". He says that hurt and didn’t go as he planned. He slowly crawls up the ropes and asks if he lost because Legacy is just that good. He says maybe they’re too much for me. HHH says he used to be good at this gang warfare stuff. He said he had gangs, he beat up everybody. He says maybe he should start another group, or maybe he’ll bring one back. He says maybe I’ll bring back Evolution. The crowd shouts "no". HHH says it won’t work because Randy is a jerk, Batista is hurt all the time, and Ric Flair is signing autographs in some shop or something (ouch). HHH says he has a better idea – maybe he’ll just make one phone call. He tells Legacy he’s going to make that phone call and if they’re not down with that – he’s got two words for ya. HHH’s music hits to end the segment.
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WWE RAW Results — PAGE THREE
-A commercial airs confirming CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy for the World championship this Friday night on SmackDown!
Backstage: Piven, Dr. Ken & Chavo Guerrero
Backstage we see Piven and Dr. Ken with the Divas. This time Chavo Guerrero walks in. He pretends to be a big fan and mocks Piven, confusing him with Joe Rogan and Jon Faverau. Piven calls Chavo "Charo" and talks about his problems with Hornswoggle lately. He asks if he can finally beat him, Chavo says he can. Before leaving, Chavo acts excited to see Dr. Ken, confusing him with George Takei.
Carlito vs. Primo
A video package is shown while Carlito comes to the ring detailing the history between he and Primo. Primo makes his way to the ring and the two will have a one-on-one match. Carlito with the early advantage, bullying Primo around. Primo picking up the pace now, trying to turn things around. He gets in a little bit of offense until Carlito stops him in his tracks. Primo with a quick roll-up out of nowhere but only gets two. Carlito hits the back-stabber and gets the pinfall victory.
-A commercial airs for ECW tomorrow night on Sy-Fy confirming Tommy Dreamer vs. Christian in an "extreme rules" match for the ECW title.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Mark Henry
Chavo makes his way to the ring as a video package shows his 0-4 efforts against Hornswoggle the past few weeks. As the clip ends, Chavo looks confident tonight he’ll end the streak. Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken show up on the titan-tron and say Hornswoggle caught the adult chicken pox and couldn’t make it tonight. They said replacing him will be his cousin, Mark-swoggle. Out comes Mark Henry. Lots of bad Mark-swoggle jokes on commentary. Henry is squashing Chavo the whole time thus far. Henry hits the world’s strongest slam and gets the easy pinfall victory.
Winner: Mark Henry
After The Match:
After the match, Henry goes under the ring and out pops Hornswoggle. Henry helps Hornswoggle into the ring and pulls Chavo into the corner for him. "Tadpole" chant breaks out as Hornswoggle climbs to the top rope. He hits the tadpole splash and his music hits as Henry and Hornswoggle dance around. Jesus.
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WWE RAW Results — PAGE FOUR
-Backstage we see Kofi Kingston and Big Show on a split-screen making their way to the ring for the U.S. title match – which is up next.
Backstage: Piven, Dr. Ken & Randy Orton
Backstage, Piven and Dr. Ken are hanging out when in comes Randy Orton. Piven says he knows Orton is mad because he’s not fighting tonight but he has an idea. Orton asks what the idea is. Piven explains that he and Dr. Ken feel Orton should be the ring announcer for John Cena’s match tonight. Orton is insulted and asks them if he kicked Vince McMahon in the skull, what makes them think he won’t do the same to them. Dr. Ken gets serious and says this was fun until now. Piven says they’ll figure something out as they walk away.
U.S. champion Kingston is out first for some reason. Big Show is out next, accompanied by his tag-champion partner Chris Jericho, who is in a suit. Jericho joins Cole and Lawler for commentary for this match. Big Show squashing Kingston in the ring while Jericho puts over what a monster Big Show is on commentary. Big Show slams Kingston and hits the Vader-bomb on him. He tries to pin him but Kingston gets his foot on the ropes to break the count at two. Big Show climbs up for another Vader-bomb but Kingston gets up and is throwing kicks. Kingston hits the trouble and paradise and climbs to the top. He hits a monsterous double leg-drop and pins him for a two count. Big Show with Kingston in the corner now, lighting up his ribs with body punches. He refuses to listen to the refs commands to stop and gets disqualified.
Winner via DQ: Kofi Kingston
After The Match:
After the match, Big Show continues to beat on Kingston as Jericho leaves commentary to join him in the ring. Jericho and Big Show do some pose as we fade to commercial.
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WWE RAW Results — PAGE FIVE
Backstage: Triple H On The Phone
Backstage we see Triple H on the phone. He tells the person he’s got a proposition for them. Triple H says "you’ve said a million times before you’re not coming back". He tells the person he needs to know just one thing – are you ready? "Hello, hello…." the person hung up on him. Triple H looks disappointed.
-A video trailer is introduced for Jeremy Piven’s movie.
Cena is out first, followed by The Miz. We head to commercial. The lumberjacks are ringside now. Cena controlling the action early on. Miz is thrown out to the lumberjacks and he is thrown back in. Miz has Cena outside now and Chris Masters applies the Masterlock to Cena. Cena is fading down. Cena is thrown back in the ring and Miz capitalizes on Cena still being beat up from the Masterlock. Dr. Ken is acting like a heel now. I guess WWE realized his dumbass actions weren’t going to get over with the RAW audience and decided to switch it mid-show. Cena is thrown out again and Randy Orton and Legacy are beating him down outside the ring. They slam him into the ringside steps. Orton stomps away for a while and Legacy throws him back in the ring. Miz gets Dr. Ken’s pimp cane, swings, but Cena ducks and hits the attitude adjustment for the pinfall and the victory.
Winner: John Cena
After The Match:
Jeremy Piven climbs the top rope and has an evil look on his face. Cena turns around and Piven dives. Cena catches him. Some of the heel lumberjacks try and come in for the save, but Cena swings Piven’s body around to clear the ring. Dr. Ken hits Cena from behind with his pimp cane as Piven scoots out of the ring. It’s just Cena and Dr. Ken. Dr. Ken is claiming it wasn’t him, apologizing, yelling "the good guys" won, etc. Cena eventually extends his hand for a shake. He shakes Dr. Ken’s hand, raises his arm in victory and then picks him up and throws him over the top rope into the lumberjacks.
Next Week’s RAW Guest Host:
As we go off the air, it is announced that next week’s WWE RAW guest host will be Sgt. Slaughter!