Welcome to another edition of Nick's Not News of the Week, an article so uninteresting you'll fall asleep quicker reading this than while watching Big Show wrestle John Cena. Let's take a look at what's barely making headlines this week:
1. Recently released WWE star Ken Kennedy has posted the following tweet on his Twitter page commenting on Batista's biceps injury: "I know everyone's saying stuff about Batista, but I gotta say that he's one of the best guys in the locker room. No ego, always trying to help."
I think Batista and Kennedy should form a tag team which is a spinoff of Priceless called "Partnerless," and the gimmick would be that they never actually get to wrestle as a tag team because one of the two of them is always out with an injury.
2. Joey Styles posts Tweets that make him look like a Twat. He then posts this in conclusion: "I just want to make clear that the passionate political commentary posted here is mine personally and not in any way those of WWE, Inc."
Hmmm, I think that quote should read : "I just want to make clear that the passionate political commentary posted here is mine personally and not in any way those of WWE, Inc, or any human adult with a fully functioning brain."
3. Evan Bourne claims that WWE's version of ECW is superior to Paul Heyman's version when he says, "But if you compare ECW now to the old ECW on TNN - we blow that show out of the water. Every week we blow it out of the water."
Bourne then went on to make the following claims:
1. He spent two hours defending the argument that the moon is made of cheese.
2. He said that Vince McMahon originally invented the wheel.
3. He argued that hockey is outdated because the players wear ice skates on the ice instead of rollerblades.
4. He claimed that Jeff Erson is the name of the lead singer of the band "Jefferson Airplane."
4. Chris Jericho's rock band "Fozzy" has posted new music on its official MySpace page, which you can check out at MySpace.com/fozzytour. Fozzy's fourth CD, "Chasing The Grail" is set for release before the end of 2009.
In related news, Mark Henry is set to release his debut CD titled "Licking the Cake Batter From The Grail."
5. HULK HOGAN's estranged wife has won the latest round in the public battle with her wrestler ex, as drug tests he demanded she take have come back negative. Linda took him up on the offer and underwent a full drug screening and "tested negative for everything", including amphetamines, marijuana, cocaine and opiates such as Vicodin and heroin, according to her representative Gary Smith.
It should be noted, however, that Linda did test postitive for trace amounts of crazy in her brain, and after undergoing a similar test, it was discovered that Hulk's brain is now comprised entirely of cottage cheese.
6. The website GayWired.com ran a story last week covering alleged recent nude photos of ECW announcer Matt Striker. The story initially came to light two weeks ago after the photos themselves hit a number of websites and blogs. The story claims Striker took the pictures and shared them with friends with no intention of them leaking onto the internet.
I've heard rumors that Michael Cole actually took the pictures of Striker and has wallpapered his bathroom with them.
7. Rumors circulated this past week that John Cena married his long time girlfriend, however those rumors were killed when it surfaced that it was in fact John's brother Matt who married his fiance.
The original rumors indicated that during the marriage ceremony, John Cena actually no-sold his wedding vows.