COLUMN: OS#17 – Kevin McElvaney’s Impact Script

Kevin McElvaney


Hey WrestleZone readers! I’m putting up my column early this week, attempting to capitalize on the red hot reaction this weekend’s “Cool Heels and Wimpy Heroes” received. That particular column garnered over three times the feedback of any other article I’ve written. So thanks a lot for the feedback…I’ll be posting some highlights in a special Shenanigans Supplement later this week.

Right now, I am here to share with you all something different. Recently, Glenn Gilbertti posed a challenge, for WrestleZone readers to submit their very own Impact scripts. I thought I’d take a whack at it. Admittedly, I’ve got zero experience in TV or scripting, so this is a sloppy effort, stylistically speaking. Still, I figured I’d do this for fun, anyway.

I’ll preface the script by saying it takes place the night after Against All Odds, with fictional results and without the knowledge of what will happen on this week’s edition of Impact. That’s about all the background I can give so, Shenanifans (and whoever else might be reading), here it is: my Impact script!

The show opens up with a 90 second recap of Against All Odds.

Mike Tenay and Don West welcome everyone to Impact. They talk briefly about Against All Odds, particularly Angleâ<80><99>s win over Christian Cage. Tenay tells us that Christian has a special announcement for later on in the evening, but that, as of right now, heâ<80><99>s completely mum. Also, Petey Williams will be cashing in his TNA title shot tonight, taking on Kurt Angle in the main event. (1 minute)

The nightâ<80><99>s opening contest: James Storm vs. Sonjay Dutt.

Storm wins after shoving the official in Sonjayâ<80><99>s path, then hitting Dutt with the Last Call while he is distracted. (6 minutes)

Afterwards, Storm calls out Eric Young, who enters.

Storm wants to have the next round of the Beer Drinking Championships right now. Young agrees. Some beers are brought out. As Young starts chugging, Storm hits him with a superkick. He picks up a beer bottle, prepared to strike Young with it, when out runs Shark Boy with a steel chair.

Shark Boy chases off Storm, then invites Eric Young to drink clam juice with him. Young does so, and throws up into the bucket of beers that was brought out. (3-4 minutes)

Commercial break.

Mike Tenay talks about Barbwire Massacre 2, which Judas Mesias won.

James Mitchell is backstage with Judas Mesias. Abyss is at home, injured. Watch what Judas does to his opponent tonight. (1 minute)

Judasâ<80><99> music hits. He enters, then waits for his opponent…GLENN GILBERTTI!!

Fresh off a backstage cell phone argument with Konnan and WrestleZone’s own, Chris Cash (not aired), Glenn dances his way to the ring. Heâ<80><99>s attacked by Judas right as he steps through the ropes. The bell is rung. Mesias is cut up and angry, getting the easy win. Sorry, Glenn, someone had to do it. (4 minutes)

Backstage, Jeremy Borash approaches Christian Cage, who is sitting on a bench with his head in his hands. Christian explains that he has something important to say, but heâ<80><99>ll say it when heâ<80><99>s good and ready, in the middle of the ring. JB awkwardly shuffles out of the room. (1 minute)

Commercial break.

Return to the Impact Zone, with Team 3D in street clothes, visiting Jim Cornette in his office. Due to their loss to Sabin, Shelley, and Lethal at Against All Odds, Ray and D-Von must slim down to 275 pounds before being able to compete in TNA again. Team 3D want the decision reversed.

Jim Cornette admits the situation is unfortunate.

â<80><9c>Damn right itâ<80><99>s unfortunate!â<80> says Brother Ray. Cornette has an idea, saying thereâ<80><99>s a submarine sandwich shop up the street, and a fella named Jared once lost a lot of weight there. Maybe Team 3D should try it out.

They both get in Cornetteâ<80><99>s face. Matt Morgan steps in between them. He promises to escort them from the arena if they donâ<80><99>t leave on their own.

Traci Brooks and Ms. Banks enter the office, quarrelling. Cornette tells them they have a tag match coming up later and that whoever scores the pinfall in that match gets a shot at the Knockout title at Destination X. (3 minutes)

Speaking of the womenâ<80><99>s title, Knockout champion Awesome Kong vs. ODB is Match #3. ODB, still pretty beat up from Against All Odds, canâ<80><99>t hack it tonight, either. Awesome Kong gets the win with a powerbomb. (5 minutes)

Up next: Booker T in action

Commercial break.

Backstage segment with Petey Williams and Scott Steiner. Scott wonders if Petey is ready for a shot at the TNA world title. Petey flexes his muscles and assures him that, tonight, a new TNA champion will be crowned.

Jay Lethal walks by, holding the X division belt he reclaimed at Against All Odds. He greets Scott in his Black Machismo voice. Scott eyes up the title and nods his head. (1-2 minutes)

Crystal tries to interview Christian Cage, but heâ<80><99>s still in the somber mood and wonâ<80><99>t talk until heâ<80><99>s ready. (1 minute)

Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. Jimmy Rave w/ Lance Hoyt. Match goes through a commercial break, with Rave faring surprisingly well against Booker – who is selling an arm injury. (3-4 minutes)

Commercial break.

Botched Hoyt interference results in Booker T picking up the win. After the match, Booker and Sharmell leave, while Rave and Hoyt argue. (4 minutes)

Backstage interview with the Motor City Machine Guns. Theyâ<80><99>ve defended the honor of the X division, and now they want the tag team titles. Kurt Angle interrupts, mocking MCMG and saying heâ<80><99>s going to beat up on an X division guy later in the night, in his match with Petey Williams. As for Christian Cage, he could care less what heâ<80><99>s got to say. Angle steals Christianâ<80><99>s â<80><9c>If you donâ<80><99>t know…â<80> catchphrase, then leaves as Crystal, Sabin, and Shelley stare in disbelief. (2 minutes)

Knockout tag match is up next

Commercial break.

Velvet Sky and Angelina Love against Traci Brooks and Ms. Banks, who are not happy about teaming together. VS and AL are a little more democratic about tagging in and out than Brooks and Banks, who are using spiteful blind tags all over the place.

Brooks eventually gets fed up and punches Banks off the canvas, which enables Velvet Sky to give Brooks a schoolgirl roll-up and score the pinfall. After the match, Love hugs and congratulates Sky, as Traci Brooks is a little frustrated.

Brooks and Banks gets into a catfight at ringside. (7 minutes total)

Angle approaches Christian Cage backstage. He says he doesnâ<80><99>t care about what Cage has to say. Cage says good, because heâ<80><99>ll say it when heâ<80><99>s ready. Angle continues to play it off like he doesnâ<80><99>t care then, suddenly, BEGS Christian to tell him what his announcement is. Christian stands up, defensive, and says, â<80><9c>Do you really wanna know what I have to say?â<80> â<80><9c>Yeah, I do â<80> Kurt says. â<80><9c>Youâ<80><99>ll find out next!â<80> Christian says, leaving the locker room and heading towards the ring. (2 minutes)

Commercial break.

(Roughly 10:00 PM) Christian Cage comes out and says that thereâ<80><99>s nothing left for him to do in TNA, so heâ<80><99>s calling it quits. Heâ<80><99>s tried to win the TNA title again and again, but it looks like his days as champion are over. So thanks for nothing, TNA, heâ<80><99>s leaving.

Samoa Joeâ<80><99>s music hits. Joe comes out and says Cage is one of the toughest opponents heâ<80><99>s ever faced. As much as theyâ<80><99>ve hated each other since Cage arrived, Joe doesnâ<80><99>t want to see him go and, deep down, neither do the fans. (Pause for applause) Christianâ<80><99>s coming around to the idea when out comes â<80><9c>Big Sexyâ<80> Kevin Nash.

Nash says â<80><9c>not so fast.â<80> Joeâ<80><99>s heart may be in the right place, but Nash has been around a lot longer. Take it from him: sometimes guys need to take some time off, a year or two to regroup and to let some other guys enjoy the spotlight. Cage should just quit while heâ<80><99>s ahead. No shame in it at all. And hey…maybe a few years down the line, he could come back and try again.

Christian Cage says he has a better idea. Heâ<80><99>s challenging Nash to a match at Destination X. â<80><9c>What do you say old timer?â<80> Nash responds by punching Cage to the canvas. Christian gets back up and goes after Kev, as Joe backs away to let them go at it. Nash knocks Christian out of the ring, but he comes back in and runs at Nash again. Joe tries to separate them finally, but is punched by Christian. Joe and Christian brawl, while Nash climbs to his feet and looks on. He has a slightly amused look on his face.

Eventually, Joe and Christian have to be pulled apart by TNA officials, including Matt Morgan. Jim Cornette comes out and announces a triple threat match (Joe vs. Christian vs. Nash) for Destination X, with the winner getting a title shot in the nightâ<80><99>s main event. (9 minutes)

Commercial break.

New tag team champions, BG James and â<80><9c>Bulletâ<80> Bob Armstrong celebrate backstage with their belts. They won the titles because AJ Styles and Travis Tomko couldnâ<80><99>t keep it together at Against All Odds. Kip James says that seems awfully familiar – teams who were once something great and then fell apart. Heâ<80><99>s obviously jealous. BG says not to feel bitter about it. Kip gets defensive, but Bob calms him down. The rematch is up later. (1 minute)

A pissed off Robert Roode backstage promo with Crystal holding the mic. Roode is saying that Booker got lucky at Against All Odds. Heâ<80><99>s not going to fight Booker again, though. Heâ<80><99>s got his sights set on something bigger. Abyss had better not come back to TNA, because, if and when he does, Robert Roode will make his name at Abyssâ<80><99> expense. (1 minute)

Curry Man vs. Johnny Devine. During the match, Tenay muses about how something seems â<80><9c>familiarâ<80> about Curry Man. Don West says heâ<80><99>s spicy as chicken tikka masala, or something equally as corny. Curry Man picks up the â<80><9c>surpriseâ<80> win, using the Spicy Drop. (5 minutes)

Commercial break.

Black Reign and Rellik vs. LAX. Black Reign comes out holding Misty the Rat, then puts her in a cage when the match starts. Finish comes when Hernandez clotheslines Black Reign over the ropes, while Homicide hits the Gringo Cutter on Rellik for the win. After the match, Homicide gets on the mic and demands a shot at the TNA tag titles. LAX wins week after week, and they were the toughest tag champs in TNA history, but they get no respect. TNA officials are holding them down, and they deserve a title shot. (8-9 minutes)

Commercial break.

Backstage, Elix Skipper and Kaz are both asking Jay Lethal for a shot at the X division title. Lethal talks about defending the title against George â<80><9c>The Animalâ<80> Steele and how heâ<80><99>d have plenty of turnbuckles to eat in the six-sided ring. Skipper and Kaz roll their eyes.

Scott Steiner interrupts, saying heâ<80><99>s got his eyes set on the X-division title, then shows his briefcase, which contains a guaranteed X-division title shot. Steiner leaves, warning Jay to be ready, and Lethal tells Kaz and Skipper that Steiner is a man who has felt the protein power of plenty of Slim Jims. Ooh yeah! (1 minute)

Backstage, Kurt Angle bumps into Petey Williams. Kurt asks if Petey is ready to play with the big boys. Petey says he doesnâ<80><99>t swing that way. Kurt says he doesnâ<80><99>t either, unless you count that one time in college. Kurt gets a faraway look in his eye before covering up his diarrhea of the mouth. â<80><9c>I have a gorgeous wife! Have you seen her?â<80> â<80><9c>Yup, I sure have,â<80> Petey says. â<80><9c>I also see that gorgeous title belt over your shoulder, and later tonight, itâ<80><99>ll be wrapped around this waist.â<80>

â<80><9c>I am an American hero,â<80> Kurt says. â<80><9c>And no Canuck is going to wear this title, so long as Iâ<80><99>m around.â<80> Petey says that one will, and starts flexing his muscles. Kurt gets irritated and walks away. He passes Christian Cage, and the two stare each other down. (1 minute)

Tag team action. Styles and Tomko get a chance to win the tag titles back from BG James and Bullet Bob Armstrong. The new champs are doing well. BG and Bullet Bob clear the ring, as Impact goes to commercial. (5 minutes)

Commercial break.

Match returns. It continues, until Kip trips up Bullet Bob, who is hit with the Pele kick. Styles goes for the cover, while Kip pulls BG off the canvas. Styles scores the pinfall, and Styles and Tomko have regained the tag team titles.

Styles and Tomko celebrate outside the ring. Kip James takes off, while BG checks on his dad. (5 minutes)

Commercial break.

Final segment. Preceded by Tenay and West briefly hyping up Peteyâ<80><99>s road to this championship match and his TNA career.

Kurt Angle enters for his title defense against Petey Williams.

Petey enters, but halfway down the ramp, heâ<80><99>s attacked by Christian Cage. Cage beats down Petey as Angle slinks out of the ring, laughing. Cage continues the beatdown, making championship motions at Angle, until Samoa Joe runs out for the save.

Jim Cornette comes out once more…this time to announce that next weekâ<80><99>s main event will be Angle and Christian vs. Joe and Petey… Angle and Joe tensely nod at each other as Joe helps Petey to his feet. Cornette finishes his sentence, adding Kevin Nash to Joe and Peteyâ<80><99>s team. Christian and Kurt get â<80><9c>oh ****â<80> looks on their faces. It will be a handicapped match, and they arenâ<80><99>t prepared.

End of show.

Kevin McElvaney is a contributing writer to Pro Wrestling Illustrated and The Wrestler / Inside Wrestling. Send questions and comments to kjmcelvaney@yahoo.com.

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