In memory of Lillian Ellison aka “The Fabulous Moolah.” RIP Moolah, RIP.
Cue the intro vid, and cue Monday Night Raw!
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are live in Los Angeles in the Staples center. 17,000 on hand!
Are You Ready!
DX is out to kick off the show. Triple H has brought some of those glow sticks with him. OK this is officially cool again. Trips throws the sticks out to the crowd. Michaels tires himself out running around in circles. “DX!” â<80>” LA. For one night only, but are you ready? No, he said, AREâ<80>¦ YOUâ<80>¦ READY! There’s a resound “yes.” For the thousands in attendance and millions watching around the worldâ<80>¦
Hornswoggle’s music plays and he comes out from under the ring. He chases Shawn around the ring and trips. He points to his green jacket. Triple H says he needs to go back under the ring. He doesn’t think he understands. Shawn looks for a run sheet but can’t find it because of all the merchandise, AVAILABLE ON WWE SHOP!
They have the run sheet. Segment 1 -9 o’clock (East Coast Time!). No Hornswoggle in it. Hornswoggle is due in the short segment. Michaels laughs so Hornswoggle locks in a short arm scissors. Shawn makes a judgment call â<80>” for tonight, he’s in!
Triple H tries to get him to go back under. Hornswoggle says there’s a monster. Shawn checks. We’re all clear. But Shawn gets dragged under. He comes back out and has worms in his mouth.
“I’m the Boogeyman, and I’m coming to getcha!” Boogeyman is here. He was under the ring. Hornswoggle hides behind DX. Triple H â<80>” “OK! Yes that is a midget between my legs!” He’s the Boogeyman and he’s coming to see if he can join DX! Glorious! Shawn makes an executive decision â<80>” he’s in. You can only have enough worms, freaks and weirdos!
The Great Khali is here. Shawn knows where Trips is gonna go. He doesn’t want to be turned into a human slim jim. Triple H tells him to get to the back of the queue so he does!
Coach is here! Enough is enough (and it’s time for a change)? He’s shutting this nonsense down. These people came to see action, not DX antics. Triple H says he’ll tell the translator to tell Khali what Coach said about him earlier. Triple H whispers in his ear. “Ask Shawn, you know Shawn can’t lie!”
He translates it for Khali. Coach says they’re lying and gets chopped! Khali follows Coach up the ramp. The ring is cleared. Shawn says he’s getting old. Shawn â<80>” “I don’t know who writes this crap, but this is the worst debalicle since that Katie Vick thing!” Trips says no-one writes this crap because they’re all on strike!
Let’s get ready to suck it! And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got two words for ya!
Tom Green is at ringside, as is Luke Perry.
We see clips of Beth Phoenix’s destruction last week.
Oh my God Jericho on Raw! Oh, it’s just a sponsor advertisement of the TV show called “Jericho.”
Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix
Stiff clothesline to Kelly. Fisher-woman’s suplex and it’s over.
Winner â<80>” Beth Phoenix
Santino is backstage! Unfortunately, Steve Austin won’t be here tonight, like he said last week â<80>” he would have showed up already. But just in case, a paper bag so he can try and act his way out of it!
Carlito vs. Joey
Oh, but it’s not cool, so Carlito has a replacement.
Joey vs. Snitsky
Oh joy. Joey gets tossed to the corner, big booted and is dead. The pumphandle slam finishes it.
Winner â<80>” Snitsky
Carlito slides in and raises his hand. Big boot to Carlito! Pumphandle slam!
-We get a Jeff Hardy video set to “Rooftops” by my boys in Lostprophets! It’s actually an awesome video package as per usual and the song is really fitting for Jeff. It reminds me of those old “Desire” videos they used to run, only this song is much cooler! Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out! I love it. He is Jeff Hardy!
Jeff Hardy and Rey Mysterio talk backstage! They’re up next!
At Survivor Series – MVP, Umaga, Big Daddy V, Kennedy, Finlay vs. Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Kane, Rey Mysterio and Triple H!
Mr. Kennedy and Finlay vs. Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy
Everything about this match screams “awesome.” Finlay and Hardy start off. Elbow tie-up and to the corner they go. Clean break. They lock up again and Finlay and Hardy collide but stand off. Finlay goes behind and controls the arm, taking Hardy to the knees. Finlay gets a 2 count and Hardy counters to a pin of his own for 2. Go behind by Hardy but Finlay rolls through into a cover. Back up and they go to the ropes. Shove and a slap by Hardy. Finlay charges and clotheslines Hardy to the floor. Kennedy and Finlay get in each others face as Rey makes the save heading to the break!
We’re back with Rey telegraphing Kennedy. Springboard crossbody connects. Tilt-a-whirl head scissors. Rey to the apron â<80>” Springboard Senton. Kennedy dropkicks Rey in the knee though. Finlay in and they begin working over the knee. Finlay scoop slams Rey’s knee across the rope. Singe leg Boston crab applied by Mysterio and I’m loving the fact that we’re getting some wrestling after 2 squashes. Finlay cheap shots Hardy and tags in Kennedy. Kennedy stomps away at the knee of Rey then uses the ropes to torque it. Finlay in with a spinning leg drop across the knee. Kennedy in with boots to the knee. Finlay in now and bullies Rey in the corner but gets caught with a wheelbarrow-bulldog! Hardy in and takes down Kennedy 3 times! Cover gets 2. Splash in the corner connects. Hardy goes up and nails the rope-assisted dropkick in the corner for a near fall! WHISPER IN THE WIND~!
Hardy goes for the pin but Finlay tosses Jeff to the floor. Rey knocks Kennedy and Finlay to the ropes. Finlay moves. 619 on Kennedy! Rey dives onto Finlay on the floor! SWANTON BOMB CONNECTS! Oneâ<80>¦twoâ<80>¦three!
Winners- Jeff Hardy and Rey Mysterio
Maria tells Santino that Austin is here. That is a rumor. Hollywood is filled with them. Santino is on his way to the ring right now. Oh my God if Maria gets Stunned I will be pissed!
Santino Marella is here with My Maria. Tonight he will put all the rumours to rest. Steve Austin is not going to be here. It’s not all bad because we have an actual celebrity in the audience, the director of The Condemned, Scott Whalberg. Santino asks is he wished the shot guns were real so they could blow his brains out. Oh, that was the audience. Steve Austin is as phoney as the people in LA. There’ll be no glass breaking, no mud pies, no ass-hip and no “JR orgasms.” And that is the bottom lines causeâ<80>¦
Thankfully, My Maria has left the ring. Stone Cold is here. He shakes Santino’s hand. Austin has The Condemned on DVD. It’s not a can of ass whip, it’s whoop ass. Jesus Christ kid, it’s a mudhole, not mud pie. “I understand, I speak English!” It’s the bottom line, not bottom lines. “Sometimes I like to say more than one things!” Austin doesn’t think Marella watched it at all. Santino calls Austin a Redneck. Austin asks about the fighting scenes. Santino had to get up and leave the room become it was so violent. Austin asks about the bonus features. After the movie he was so upset he turned off the TV â<80>” 90 minutes he cannot get back.
Austin wants to drink some beers and shake hands. Marella wants Vino Roso. Steve Austin wants to give Marella a copy of The Condemned. He gives it to him. Santino throws it down! Stomps on it and kicks it away! STUNNER~! I’m not a doctor but the son-bitch looks thirsty, he’ll be right back. Maria helps out Marella as Austin goes to the back.
BEER TRUCK~! BUDWEISER~! HOSE~! BEER BATH~! Marella flops around. Right hand! Middle finger salute! Maria helps out Santino. My Maria is drenched in beer, too. Austin soaks Maria and she has n*pple
Vince McMahon says size will matter when Hornswoggle battles Great Khali at Survivor Series!
The official Survivor Series Theme Song is “Tick Tick Boom” by The Hives!
Triple H has been asks toâ<80>¦ waste time, because they’re trying to clean up Austin’s mess. Shawn’s here. The DX dancers are hereâ<80>¦ Big Fat no
Trevor Murdoch gets wished good luck from Mickie James on the way to the ring. Cade brushes her off.
Cody Rhodes w/ Hardcore Holly vs. Trevor Murdoch w/ Lance Cade
Elbo tie-up, chop by Murdoch. Uppercut by Rhodes but he gets kicked in the chest. It’s clubberin’ time. Snapmare by Murdoch and he locks in a chin lock. Rhodes fights back with elbows, but he gets cut off. Rhodes flips out a back suplex and hits a dropkick. Bulldog by Rhodes connects. Scoop slam now by Cody, knee drop gets 2. Cody gets telegraphed and tossed into the corner. Murdoch runs into a boot. Cody knocks Cade off the apron and gets a roll-up on Murdoch for 3!
Winner â<80>” Cody Rhodes
Dusty Hill of ZZ Top is at ringside!
Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team
Haas and Crazy go at it. Slam by Haas. Benjamin in and he slams Crazy now. Haas back in and slams Crazy. And another slam. These slams are getting old, guys. Slam by Benjamin. Oh, come on! Shelton cheap shots Hacksaw. Crazy gets a quick roll-up for 3!
Winners â<80>” Hacksaw and Super Crazy!
Umaga & WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. D-Generation X
All four men battle in the ring until Michaels gets rid of Orton. Hunter and Michaels with kicks to Umaga but then Umaga charges at them and they duck sending Umaga out of the ring. Michaels with a slingshot somersault pescado onto Umaga while Hunter goes after Orton. Hunter slams Ortonâ<80><99>s head into the announce table. Hunter rolls Orton back into the ring. Hunter works on Ortonâ<80><99>s shoulder and then he tags in Michaels who kicks Orton in the arm. Michaels with a key lock and then he stomps on Ortonâ<80><99>s elbow. Orton with a knee followed by a forearm to the back. Umaga is tagged in and Umaga punches Michaels. Michaels tries for a sunset flip but Umaga stays on his feet. Umaga misses a drop down splash and Hunter is tagged in. Hunter punches Umaga and then he hits a DDT. Umaga with an Irish whip but he charges into a boot. Umaga catches Hunter and hits an uranage on Hunter and we go to commercial as Umaga hits a splash on Hunter.
We are back and Umaga and Hunter are in the ring and Umaga punches him in the head but the referee tells Umaga to back off. Umaga sets for the running butt splash but Hunter moves out of the way. Orton tags in and Orton charges into a boot and both men are down. Michaels tags in and he hits a flying forearm followed by a reverse atomic drop and slam to Orton. Michaels goes up top to finish off his moves of doom with an elbow drop. Umaga hits Michaels with a clothesline and Shawn goes down hard. Umaga makes the tag and he connects with a head butt to Michaels and then he stomps on Michaelsâ<80><99>s chest. Umaga chokes Michaels and then he punches him in the corner. Michaels tries to punch his way out of the corner but it does not work and Umaga knocks Michaels down with a punch. Orton tags in and he punches Michaels while Umaga holds him. Orton with a standing drop kick for a near fall. Orton with the Garvin Stomp to Michaels. Orton punches Michaels but Michaels punches back. They exchange punches in the ring and Orton with a drop toe hold and Umaga is tagged back in. Umaga with a splash onto Michaelsâ<80><99>s back. Umaga with a nerve hold on Michaels. Michaels punches Umaga in the midsection but Umaga with a head butt to Michaels. Umaga goes to the second turnbuckle for a diving head butt but he is too short and Michaels rolls out of the way. Michaels tries to make the tag but Umaga has Michaelsâ<80><99>s leg. Michaels with an enzuigiri and both men are down. Orton makes the tag and so does Hunter. Hunter with a punch to Orton followed by a clothesline to Umaga. Hunter with a high knee to Orton followed by a facebuster to Umaga and then he sends Umaga into the ring post twice. Hunter with a spinebuster to Orton and then he sets for the Pedigree but Umaga hits the Samoan Spike on Hunter. Orton gets a two count when he rolls on top of Hunter. Umaga is tagged back in and he punches Hunter in the corner. Umaga tries for the running butt splash again and this time he hits the move. Umaga punches Michaels and sends Shawn to the floor. Hunter gets his knees up and connect with Umaga in the groin. Orton tags in and he sets for the RKO. Orton does some push ups while Hunter tries to get up. Hunter blocks the RKO and sends Orton into Umaga. Hunter crawls to the corner to try to tag in Michaels. Michaels makes the tag and he hits Sweet Chin Music on Orton for the three count.
Winners â<80>” D-Generation X