Saturday Night’s Main Event:
SNME opens with Vince backstage with Coach. Coach says with all the info he was given he will match up the dates and locations of Vince’s trysts to the Superstars. Vince says he forgot about one with a black woman in Kansas City in the 70’s. Coachman says he’s adopted and from Kansas City. Vince stares at him and says it’s going to be a long night.
It’s announced that MVP has pulled out of his boxing match. It’s Matt Hardy vs. Evander Holyfield.
Batista and Kane vs. Finlay and Great Khali. The announcers are JBL, Michael Cole and Jim Ross. Kane’s ribs are taped Batista hits the Batista bomb on Finlay for pin.
Cena vs. Carlito later, billed as the Big Apple Showdown.
Backstage, MVP says the doctor won’t let him box so he got the next best thing. Evander Holyfield asks him how his ticker is. MVP says he was scared for a minute but he’s better than anyone else so he’s already bounced back. He pals around with Holyfield.
John Cena vs. Carlito. The crowd chanted “Let’s go Mets/Let’s go Yankees”. Cena wins via submission with the STFU. Randy Orton attacked him immediately and threw him outside, then into the stairs. Crowd chanted “Randy.” Orton got a chair from under the ring. He hit an RKO on the floor into the chair on Cena. Cena sold it like he was dead. Crowd chanted for Orton while women chanted “sucks” in response. Match was whatever. Angle was very good. They showed a young boy looking sad over Cena but once he realized the camera was on him, he started mugging for it. Cena took a long time leaving, holding his jaw.
Michael Buffer comes out for the boxing match. Divas are the ring girls.
Backstage, Todd Grisham asks Orton what he was doing. Orton said he sent a loud and clear message to Cena as to what he’s going to get at Summerslam. He promises to win the title.
Hardy has 2 cornermen with him. MVP comes out with an entourage. Evander has his own Titantron video. MVP makes Buffer introduce him first, right down to “straight up ballin'” The crowd did the “What” chant during the referee’s instructions!
Hardy is wearing a boxing helmet.. Holyield isn’t. MVP keeps getting on the apron to give him instructions. Holyfield knocks Hardy down in round one. End of round
MVP argues with Holyfield’s trainer between rounds. Round two starts and Hardy acting half out of it. Holyfield tells the ref to check him. MVP gets in the ring and tells him to keep beating up Hardy. Holyfield turns his back and MVP grabs him. Holyfield knocks out MVP. The ref rings the bell. Holyfield left immediately. Hardy left. MVP was left on the mat being checked on by his entourage. No announced decision.
CM Punk & Boogeyman vs. John Morrison & Big Daddy V next. Tazz joined the announcers for the match. Punk got a big reaction. Good when Punk and Morrison were in. Punk surprised Morrison with a small package for another clean win.
Vince McMahon comes to the ring with Jonathan Coachman. Coach gives a long monologue about Vince who cuts him off and tells him to get on with it. Coachman says he’s going to help Vince with the child. He says Vince once had a tryst in Kentucky so he is certain this could be his child…and out comes Eugene.
Eugene says that he became a wrestling fan because his Mom told him she met Vince. He says his Uncle Eric told him he nailed his Mom and that’s why he tried to put Vince out of business. He tells Vince, “I love you Dad”. Vince said he used protection and tells Eugene to get out of the ring.
Coachman then tells of a story of Vince in a Port Authority bathroom so his son could be…Balls Mahoney. Vince says Balls is not his son. Mahoney tells him to think about it and to embrace it. He says Vince has balls. Vince says “I have no balls”. The crowd chants “Vince has no balls”. He yells at Balls to leave.
Coachman tells Vince of the Wrestlemania 2 afterparty in LA and that this person could be his daughter. Out comes Melina. Vince says that Melina isn’t her daughter and cannot be. Coachman asks why not and Vince whispers something. Coach says that’s disgusting. Vince tells Melina that the meeting that they had on July 4th was totally harmless. She says that Vince better hope so because if she’s his daughter, she will take him for everything she owns. She walks out.
Vince demands to know who his child is. Long dramatic pause. Glass breaks and out comes Steve Austin.
Austin says Vince could be his dad and Vince says there’s no chance in hell. Austin says they missed out on so many good things in life…playing catch, water skiing, building a go-cart, the birds and the bees, drinking beer. Crowd is going “what, what, what”.
Austin says it would be easy to stun Vince but the big problem is Vince’s “overactive grapefruits” so he wants to help him out. He kicks Vince low and low blows him. Austin stuns Coachman and has a beer bash.
After they go off the air, Austin asks the crowd if they want to see him drink a beer with Vince. He says it is his first time in the Garden in years. Vince takes it and Austin hits the stunner. Austin does a long celebration. He gives Jim Ross a beer and takes his cowboy hat.
Vince and Coach get up. Austin says the only way he’s not going to kick their ass is if they sing. Vince asks Coach if he can sing harmony. They badly sing “I Left My Heart in San Francisco”. Austin knocked their heads together. He helps Coach up then hits another stunner.