WWE RAW Opener:
There are already wrestlers in the ring to kick off the show. Sergeant Slaughter is among them. So is Jerry Lawler, meaning JR is calling the Battle Royal (no e!) by himself. Shawn Michaels, Carlito, Randy Orton, and Triple H get their own entrances on television.
30 Man Battle Royal
Royal Rumble rules apply. HHH enters and a brawl erupts. Edge bails to wait for people to be eliminated. He spears Carlito, who was chasing Masters on the outside. Carlito is eliminated first by Masters. Lots of punching in the ring. Orton is hanging on for dear life. The Brooklyn Brawler is eliminated, but he did last longer than Carlito for some reason. Shelton hangs on to stay in. Hacksaw and Slaughter are eliminated. Ron Simmons is also in the ring. Flair tries to dump Orton. Johnny Nitro is kicked on the mat. Flair and Orton fight in the corner. HHH is trying to dump Edge. Shelton hangs on again and kicks Super Crazy on the mat. Rory is able to save himself, and Kenny evades being dumped, as does Orton. HBK protects HHH from being tossed out. Kenny tries to dump Venis. JR compares Viscera to Andre the Giant. Lets keep them out of the same sentence from now on. Viscera hits JTG in the back. HHH gives Viscera a facebuster and DX is able to eliminate him from the match. Commercial.
Back from the break, JTG is hanging on for dear life and survives. It looks like the Highlanders were eliminated during the commercials. ‘DAMN!’ Ron Simmons eliminates Venis and Johnny, but is promptly pushed out by Cryme Tyme. He gets on the mic and says DAMN! JTG is eliminated. The World’s Greatest Tag Team toss Shad out. DX then take TWGTT out of the match. Lawler is thrown out by Masters. Super Crazy eliminates himself and Jeff Hardy. Eugene goes to eliminate Michaels in the corner. Flair prevents it, even though there are no allies in these matches. Masters hits a forearm to HBK’s back. Snitsky tries to get HHH out, but gets DDT’d. HHH tosses Kenny, who is able to hang on. Flair can’t get Edge out. DX confuse Eugene and make him wave to the crowd before throwing him out. Masters low bridges the rope to eliminate Snitsky. Flair takes Murdoch out of the match. Flair chops Kenny. Kenny and Flair are eliminated by several opponents at the same time. The remaining wrestlers target DX. Commercial.
Seven men remain after the commercial. HHH chokes Cade in the corner and prevents HBK from being overwhelmed. Nitro and Cade punch HHH as Masters holds him. Rated RKO goes to eliminate HBK, but fail to do so. Nitro gets a high knee and Masters is eliminated by HHH after a facebuster. Four men then team up to dump HHH. Cade, Rated RKO, and Nitro stare down HBK in the corner. He jumps at them and starts throwing punches. Nitro is eliminated. Flying forearm to Edge. Atomic Drops for Cade and Orton. Right hands knock them down. HBK scoop slams Orton and goes to the top. He hits the elbow drop. Edge has disappeared from the ring, but wasn’t tossed. He gets on the apron, but is superkicked. Still in the match, though. HBK is knocked down, and Orton tosses Cade out. Only Edge, Orton, and Michaels remain. Orton sets up for the RKO, but it is blocked. HBK back body drops Orton from the ring and starts to celebrate, but Edge gets on the apron and pulls him out.
Winner – Edge
Edge is backstage with Todd Grisham. Edge says he is throwing a wrinkle into WWE’s plans. He plans to defend the WWE Title against Umaga. Orton comes up to congratulate him, but Edge says his sights are focused on the WWE Championship and walks off, leaving Orton a bit peeved.
Maria is in the back with Chris Masters in the back, and wow what a top. She looks scared of Masters and asks why he did that to Torrie. Masters tells her to relax and says he only did it to get back at Carlito. He is incredulous that people are calling him the bad guy. Masters promises to make Carlito pass out to the Masterlock.
In the arena:
Grisham points out MMA superstar Vladimir Kozlov in the crowd and interviews him. He uses the really obnoxious slow voice when talking to him. Kozlov says he would one day like to work in the ‘Double Double E’. The crowd boos him, presumably because he is an evil Russian.
Referee: Michael Chioda
Carlito attacks Chris Masters from behind on the ramp as Masters is making his entrance. He leaps off the ring steps and hits Masters in the back with a double axe handle. Carlito punches Masters and they both spill into the crowd. He punches Masters some more there and knocks him down. Carlito is already busted open after being pushed into the camera. Masters pushes Carlito back to ringside before he runs off. Carlito has blood running down his face and looks very perturbed. Obviously, the match never got started.
Winner – No Contest
Jeff Hardy sells the ladder match and looks blown up after doing his dance at the top of the ramp. King reminds us that just one week ago, Umaga beat Jeff Hardy as well. Benjamin and Hardy start, with Benjamin doing a mock limp. Shelton takes Hardy down and they mat wrestle. The two trade arm wrenches. Shelton attacks Matt’s bandaged left arm. He punches Matt in the corner and slams the arm on the ropes. Matt punches back and tags Jeff in.
Jeff kicks Shelton in the corner. Shelton whips him into the corner and hits a back suplex. Haas tag in and they do a scoop slam/backbreaker combo. Haas chokes Jeff on the mat and charges him into the corner. Nitro chokes Jeff as the ref is distracted. Nitro makes the blind tag and goes right for Jeff’s back. He punches him in the head on the mat. Nitro kicks him in the gut and punches away in the corner. Hardy reverses and gets some kicks off his own. Nitro reverses a whip, but Jeff hits Whisper in the Wind off the turnbuckle. Haas tags in and prevents Jeff from tagging out. Hardy blocks a back body drop and gets a running neckbreaker. Matt tags in and suplexes Haas for two. He throws Haas in the corner and tags Jeff back in. They team for Poetry in Motion, but Nitro and Benjamin come in. TWGTT is quickly dumped out and Jeff slingshots over the top with a crossbody onto them. Matt comes off the top with a moonsault press to the outside on all three heels. Commercial.
Haas has Jeff in a headlock when we come back. Hardy flips out of a suplex attempt, but Shelton is able to knock him down with a cheap shot. Benjamin tags in and works on Jeff’s left leg. Shelton gets a single leg takedown. He yanks Jeff away from the corner and knocks Matt off the apron. Haas comes in as the ref is distracted and continues to work on the leg. Haas gets an Indian Deathlock tied in and Shelton helps him to gain leverage. They break the hold and Nitro tags in, continuing the assault on the leg. Nitro pulls Jeff halfway out of the ring and hits the leg. Nitro knocks Jeff all the way out with a baseball slide. Melina kicks him while he is down. Nitro gets a two count back in the ring. Shelton tags in and gets a half crab while pulling on Jeff’s hair. Jeff stands up and kicks Shelton down with a mule kick.
Matt makes the hot tag and cleans house. Matt bulldogs Shelton and simultaneously clotheslines Haas. Nitro, Haas, and Benjamin get Side Effects from Hardy. The latter gets a two count. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate but is shoved off by Shelton. Haas yanks Matt’s head on the top rope and Shelton rolls him up for the win.
Winners – Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas
Post match, Matt gets double teamed by TWGTT and they are dismissed by Nitro. Nitro pounds Hardy and hits a step up enziguri. He follows that with a sitout facebuster and stands over Jeff’s body.
A replay of Cena beating Armando Alejandro Estrada is shown. Umaga and AAE are in the back with Grisham. Todd asks who AAE would rather see Umaga face, Edge or Cena. AAE says it doesn’t matter who Umaga faces because no one can stop him, but says if they had a choice, they would choose Cena because he is easier than Edge and AAE wants to humiliate Cena after last week’s match between the two.
Nitro and Melina are walking in the back and come across Kevin Federline! Kevin congratulates Nitro on defeating the Hardys. Melina asks if he wants to go through with ‘this’ and he says it is something he must do.
A quick Rocky Balboa preview is shown. The movie, which was partially shot in the greatest city in the world (Philadelphia), comes out on Wednesday. Sylvester Stallone joins us live via camera. King asks if Rocky could continue on as a promoters. Sly replies that the in ring stuff is part of the morality play. If Rocky moved onto something else, it wouldn’t work. He promises it is the last Rocky film. King asks how much is based on Stallone, and Sly says it is partly biographical, especially Rocky Balboa. King asks if The Contender, a reality show about boxers, could work in WWE. Sly says a concept like The Contender could work in WWE (didn’t they do it and wasn’t it called Tough Enough?). Sly says being in the ring with the Hulkster was very painful. King asks who would win a boxer vs. wrestler match, Rocky or Hulk Hogan? Sly wisely says the Hulkster. Sly puts over how fast wrestlers are. King wants to know what Sly thinks of actors who compete with wrestlers. Sly says Federline has a death wish and Cena could beat KFed with one finger. He says Federline vs. Cena’s wardrobe might by more appropriate before the interview ends.
Referee: Jack Doan
Kenny has brand new music. He also has a new last name, for copyright reasons. Kenny and Flair lock up and go into the corner. Kenny punches Flair in the corner, but Flair reverses and chops him around the ring. Everytime they say Kenny Dykstra, I think of the Phillies former centerfielder Lenny Dykstra.
Kenny hits a leaping back elbow to Flair. He suplexes Flair on the floor. Kenny breaks the ten count and puts Flair in the ring, getting two with a pin. He gets a knee drop and stomps Flair in the corner, also choking him. Kenny elbows Flair down. Flair makes a brief comeback, but is punched down, with Kenny getting more knee drops for two. Kenny gets a facelock. Kenny puts Flair in the corner, but gets an inverted atomic drop when he goes for ten punches. Kenny is chopped down, but recovers and throws Flair in the corner. Flair blocks a charge and goes to the top, but is thrown off. Kenny misses the Leg Drop off the top rope. Flair chops him down and hits a back elbow as Kenny comes off the ropes.
Flair punches and chops in the corner. Kenny misses a running knee in the corner and is chopped down again. Flair hits a shinbreaker and goes for a second one, but Kenny gets a sunset flip and pins Flair clean, which JR and King make sure to point out.
Winner – Kenny Dykstra
Post match, Flair offers his hand and Kenny blows him off, saying, “I’m the real man around here!”
WWE Championship Match
Cena takes down Edge immediately after a waistlock. Cena punches Edge and then kicks him down. Edge is whipped into two corners, but Edge blocks a charge and throws Cena over the top rope. Edge bangs Cena’s head onto the steel steps. Cena blocks an attempt to do so on the announcer’s table. Edge attacks Cena as he tries to get back in the ring. A neckbreaker by Edge gets two. A diving reverse DDT gets two as well. The dueling chants are going on in the crowd.
Edge takes down Cena with a headlock. He gets a two count when Cena’s shoulders go down. Cena stands back up and kicks out. The bodypress each other in midair and both go down. Commercial. Edge has a sleeper hold on Cena on the mat when we come back. Cena breaks the bodyscissors, but Edge headbutts him before locking in another submission hold. Cena leans up and pins Edge’s shoulders for two. Edge doesn’t break the hold, though. Cena powers out, but Edge punches him and gets a facelock. Cena powers out and hits the Throwback, knocking both men down. Cena ducks a punch and whips Edge into the corner.
Edge jumps on the turnbuckle and leaps over a charging Cena, but Cena lariats Edge down. Cena gets the flying shoulderblock and Blue Thunder Driver. Edge rolls out of the way when Cena goes for the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Edge Spears Cena and goes for the pin, but Cena gets his hand on the rope. Edge puts Cena on the top turnbuckle, but Cena throws him off, and gets a Leg Drop to the back of Edge’s head as Edge is getting up. It is only good for a two count, though. Edge blocks the back body drop, but Cena hot shots him on the top and gets another Blue Thunder Driver before hitting the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. He goes for the FU, but Edge tries to reverse. Cena picks him up for an inverted suplex and gets another near fall.
Edge tries to dodge Cena in the corner, but Cena is able to get him in the FU position. The referee is knocked down, however, and Edge gets out. Randy Orton runs in and gives Cena an RKO. However, as soon as he does that, DX runs down and HHH Pedigrees Edge as HBK tosses Orton into the ringpost. Cena makes the cover and the referee recovers to make the three count.
Winner and still WWE Champion, John Cena
Post match, Cena thanks DX for their help and poses with the belt. Edge has one of his classic boo boo faces in the ring.
In the arena:
Cryme Tyme come to the ring and grab the mics. JTG says Cryme Tyme has heard what Haas and Benjamin have been saying about them. Shad says that is why they are in Chocolate City tonight, to show they aren’t perpetrating anything. Shad calls out their character witness, George W. Bush, whose name gets booed. An impersonator comes out with some ‘Secret Service’ members. Dubya mentions the Kanye West, Bush doesn’t like black people incident. Dubya says that couldn’t be further from the truth, citing Powell, and Condi Rice, who he refers to as ‘one hot little black bitch’. He also says he is down with George Jefferson, who wrote the Declaration of Independence. Bush starts to call him ‘My Nig…..” but Shad cuts him off, threatening to beat him up. Bush says if Haas and Benjamin are the World’s Greatest Tag Team, then he is the World’s Greatest President. Bush thanks the crowd and hugs Cryme Tyme, who pick his pocket. Cryme Tyme’s music begins to play and Bush does a lame dance. Bush points out how CT stole his wallet and tells someone to arrest them, but no one budges. On the way out, ‘Bush’ flips off the crowd with Nixon’s famous pose.
Non Title Match
Victoria has her checklist again. Victoria defeated Mickie James with the Widows Peak. she then checks her off her list – she then adds on the bottom “Women’s Championship” and leaves the list on top of Mickie.
K-Fed is seen backstage walking towards the ring area.
J.R. is in the ring talking about if K-Fed really is America’s most hated man or if he is simply misunderstood
Up next: DX & Cena vs. Rated RKO & Umaga
Rated R-K-O & Umaga w/ Estrada vs. D-Generation X & John Cena
Cena & Umaga fight to the back – Edge hits HHH with a steal chair. Orton & Edge deliver a double RKO to Michaels onto a steel chair. Triple H tries to go for his sledgehammer, but Edge drop kicks him onto the announce table. Triple H is busted open and receives a conchairto from both Orton & Edge on top of the table. They then try to do the same to HBK in the ring but officials and agents stop them. J.R. & King take their headsets off while trainers check on DX – they are both shaking and bloodied as RAW goes off air.