Raw Report for April 3, 2006
by Richard Trionfo
Based on recent audio reports where Buck talks about how some Raw announcers consider their job to be storytellers instead of announcers, this week’s introduction is for them:
Once upon a time, there was an evil wizard who ruled World Wrestling Entertainment. He had a man who helped him screw over one of the favorites of the kingdom in Montreal. However, that henchman has had a change of heart and he has tried to get the evil wizard to forget about Montreal because it was more than seven years ago. The wizard would have none of that and he has tried to make the former henchman’s life a living hell. Last night at the greatest banquet of the year, the henchman defeated the wizard and got some revenge on the wizard’s first born child. Additionally, the minstrel who is the champion faced the overlord of Castle Grayskull in Eternia and was able to sustain the power of the sledgehammer to keep his title. The fair blonde maiden had a chance to vanquish the maiden who has grown obsessed with the success of the blonde heroine. However, she was unable to keep her crown as the crazed maiden got a hand up on the heroine.
What other adventures will the merry band of wrestlers take us on as we move from the shadows of Wrestlemania 22 and start down the yellow brick road towards Detroit for Wrestlemania 23? Will the monsters Kane and Big Show be able to keep their titles when they face the court jesters of the Spirit Squad? What will happen when John Cena addresses some of the same people who booed him less than 24 hours ago? Will Hunter the Barbarian be able to claim to be the ‘King of Kings’ when he could not win on the biggest stage of the year?
Make sure to check out Brian Richey’s Unlimited Reports on the site. With the new Impact taping schedule, starting next week Ed Shirreffs will be doing the Raw reports on the weeks that conflict with the taping schedule.
We are live from Chicago, Illinois and your announcers are Joey ‘Mucking with a G’ Styles, Jerry ‘Prince of Puppies’ Lawler, and Jonathan ‘Third Wheel’ Coachman.
Tonight’s show starts off with the WWE Champion John Cena coming to the ring. He has a mic and he says that he wants to hear the crowd’s reaction to his presence in the arena. It appears that the Chicago crowd is not too happy with the champion. John tells them that the champ is still here. He says that he needs to be honest with everyone. Coming into Wrestlemania, he didn’t think that he would be standing in the ring telling people that. For those people in the free world waking up out of hibernation, Triple H and he beat the hell out of each other and that is what it is about. Capturing the title and defending it night in and night out. It is not about winning a popularity contest. The title means that you rise to the occasion and stand up in the face of adversity. It means that you meet each and every challenge head on. You hit hard, fight hard, and stand tall no matter what the circumstances. He will admit that in the midst of last night’s gala and tonight, there is a small or large group of people who wanted . . .
John Cena is interrupted by the ‘King of Kings’ Triple H who comes to the ring and he has a mic with him. Hunter and Cena stand face to face in the center of the ring and then Hunter offers his hand to Cena but Cena does not shake it. Hunter keeps his hand out for Cena and when Cena goes for the hand, Hunter pulls it away. Hunter says that he will hand it to Cena that he is a tough kid. The whole world saw Hunter kick Cena’s ass last night, but Cena found a way to win. Hunter says that he is pissed off about it. Hunter is not angry at Cena, he is angry at himself. Hunter says that he made the same stupid mistake that everyone made who got in the ring with Cena. He underestimated Cena. Hunter agrees with the crowd that he did tap out last night. It was because he underestimated the champ. Hunter says that it will never happen again. Hunter says that Cena knows the deal and why he is out here. Hunter says that Cena’s belt is his and he wants another shot at it.
Edge comes out with Lita and he tells Hunter to hold on for a minute. Edge says that is the problem with Hunter. He acts like he owns the place and should have an endless supply of title matches because he is the ‘almighty’ Triple H. Edge reminds Hunter that he lost. Edge tells Hunter that since he didn’t have a rematch clause, he goes to the back of the line. Edge says that someone who won last night and destroyed a future Hall of Famer in his own environment with a perfect Wrestlemania record. That someone is Edge.
Hunter agrees that it is impressive that Edge is perfect at Wrestlemania. Hunter wants to know how many of those matches were in the main event and Hunter reminds Edge that none of them were in the main event. Hunter tells Edge to go in the back and hang out with the rest of the curtain jerkers while the main event guys stay in here and take care of business.
Edge says that he is a main event guy, but he does not dress like Conan the Barbarian. Edge has done things that Hunter has not done. Edge has beaten John Cena for the title. Hunter tells Edge that he took a nap and forgot about Edge’s title reign. Edge says that he could have taken a nap after he stole the show last night, but he decided to stay up and watch Hunter tap out. Hunter says that was last night, so why doesn’t he knock out Edge tonight.
Cena says that He Man and Skeletor have unfinished business so he will let them finish. Cena suggests that Hunter and Edge wrestle tonight for a shot at the WWE Title. Edge says that he will not wrestle anyone one on one tonight because he has second degree burns from last night. Edge has an idea. What if Triple H and him team up to face Cena’s bling bling ass in a handicap match. Cena wants to know if Edge used the term ‘bling bling’ and suggests kicking Edge’s ass for using the term. Hunter says that Cena should kick his ass. Hunter says that Edge made a good point so why not have the handicap match. Edge wants to know if Cena wants to let down his Chain Gang, even if there aren’t that many left.
Edge asks the fans if they want to see Edge and Triple H versus John Cena in a handicap match. Hunter joins in and wants to know if the crowd wants them to kick his ass. Cena says that as champion he should walk away, but he might be a stupid son of a bitch. He is a tough son of a bitch so the match is on. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Hunter is standing outside the ring and he heads to the back while Edge and Lita stay in the ring. Edge and Lita leave the ring.
Match Number One: Kane and the Big Show versus The Spirit Squad (Ken Doane and Mike Mondo [with Johnny Jeter, Nick Nemeth, and Nick Mitchell]) for the World Tag Team Titles
Mike and Kane start off and Kane with punches to Mike followed by a slam. Ken kicks Kane as he comes off the ropes and Kane biels him into the ring. Kane tosses Ken onto Mike. Show punches Ken and he goes outside the ring. Kane with an Irish whip to Mike followed by a delayed side slam. Kane goes up top and he hits a clothesline from the top turnbuckle. Kane punches Mitch who came onto the apron followed by Ken. Mike is pulled out of the ring when Kane charges and Kane goes into the ring post. Mike with a knee to Kane’s arm off the turnbuckles followed by kicks. Mike with a double sledge to Kane and then Ken is tagged in. Ken with a kick to Kane followed by a punch. Mike tags in and he punches Kane in the arm. Mike with a hammer lock on Kane, but Kane gets Mike up for a Samoan drop and both men are down. Ken tags in and he kicks Kane, but he is able to tag in Show. Show with clotheslines to Mike followed by a kick to Ken. Show gets Mike up, but the ref is knocked down. Johnny with a missile drop kick to Show when the ref is out. All five men pick up Show and toss him to the mat. Ken with a leg drop from the top turnbuckle for the three count.
Winners: Spirit Squad
After the match, the Spirit Squad celebrates on the Rawest Ramp in Sports Entertainment. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Todd Grisham wants to get some comments from Show and Kane about the loss. Todd wants to know what happened. Kane walks away. Show says that anything can happen on Raw. They were a little off tonight. Anyone can lose on any given night. The Spirit Squad will not have the titles around their waists very long. Show walks to the back.
We are back with a Moments Ago Moment of the Spirit Squad’s victory over Kane and Big Show to become the new tag team champions.
Maria is in the interview area with the Spirit Squad. Mitch suggests that they do a cheer in honor of their victory.
Joey talks about the number of hits on the WWE website. We have footage from the Money in the Bank ladder match with the highlights including Van Dam’s Five Star Frog Splash onto Fit Finlay from the top of the ladder; Shelton Benjamin’s springboard move onto the ladder and Rob Van Dam’s victory.
Rob Van Dam comes out to the ring with his briefcase. Rob has had a lot of names in the past, but now he is ‘Mr. Money in the Bank’. Rob says that he likes that name because he climbed that ladder and went through the glass ceiling to get a shot at the WWE title any time he chooses. In the last 24 hours he has heard a lot of congratulations and he has been asked when will Rob cash in the briefcase. Rob says that he is not going to wait as long as Edge. This opportunity could not have happened at a better time. He plans to show that good timing is important . . . it is extreme. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Todd Grisham is out to look at signs.
We are back with the Slam of the Week: Chris Masters hitting Carlito by accident before Kane pinned Carlito last night.
Match Number Two: Chris Masters (with Amazing Technicolor Ring Robe)
Masters picks up his opponent and runs him into the corner and then punches him followed by a biel and clothesline. Masters presses his opponent over his head and slams him to the mat. Masters slaps his opponent and puts him in the Master Lock and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner: Chris Masters
After the match, Carlito comes out and he has an apple with him as he comes to the ring. Carlito takes a bite out of his apple and then he spits it on Masters’s opponent. Carlito raises Masters’s arm and then they hug. Carlito gives Masters a lungblower and then he kicks and punches Masters. Carlito kicks Masters and then he spits in Masters’s face before leaving the ring. On the Rawest Ramp in Sports Entertainment, Carlito says that is cool. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Candice is walking in the back and she stops to talk to Viscera. Candice bends over and Viscera burns his hand on his coffee. Candice says that she will kiss his hand and make it all better and she does it.
We are back and Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring. Shawn talks about last night when his match with Vince was everything he said it was going to be. It was violent, it was brutal, and it got downright ugly. Shawn says that any given time with one Sweet Chin Music, he could have ended the match sooner. It was not about a ‘wrestling match’ last night. Last night was about making Vince McMahon endure his own personal hell. Having done that he feels that a great weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He no longer has to deal with Vince McMahon and his oiled up, orange tinted body strutting to the ring. He does not have to worry about urine tests, dancing, and Oscar speeches. He can move on. Speaking of moving on and since the popular thing appears to be beating up John Cena, why can’t he beat up John Cena. Why can’t he do it for the WWE Title?
Shane McMahon’s music plays and Shane comes out onto the Rawest Stage in Sports Entertainment. Shawn interrupts Shane and he tells the crowd to give a warm Chicago welcome to the newest member of the Vince McMahon ‘Kiss my Ass’ Club. Shane says that less than 24 hour after being wheeled out on a stretcher from this arena, he introduces the Chairman of the Board (and his father), Vince McMahon. Vince comes out with a neck brace on.
Vince asks Shawn if he has any idea what he has done. Vince says that his devoted wife Linda was backstage at Wrestlemania and witnessed what Shawn did to him. His sweet innocent daughter Stephanie was there to see what happened. Vince reminds us that Stephanie is six months pregnant. Vince says that nothing can compare to the emotional scarring that happened when Shawn shoved Shane’s head up Vince’s rectal cavity. Then he handcuffed Shane to the ropes while Shawn took liberties with Vince. Vince says that Shane is emotionally scarred for life. Shawn might want to move on and get a title match, but there is no way in hell that is going to happen. Vince says that he has two words for Shawn, but Shawn cuts him off.
Shawn says that Shawn and the city of Chicago have two words for Vince and they are ‘suck it’. Vince says that his two words are ‘divine intervention’. Vince says that he was on his way to ripping Shawn apart limb from limb until he got some help from God. It became a handicap match with Vince taking on Shawn and God. Vince yells at God for picking on him and calls God a bully.
Shawn apologizes for interrupting Vince’s delirious rant with the almighty, or maybe it was the meds, or maybe Vince has gone insane. Shawn tells ‘mental monty’ to follow along with him. Vince tells Shawn that he cannot win against the McMahons. You might win a battle or two, but you will never win the war. The war will continue. Vince will get better and Shane will get over his scarring. There will be a tag match at Backlash. Shawn will team with God against Vince and the product of his semen, Shane McMahon. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Maria comes out for the Kiss Cam.
We are back with the WWE Rewind: Photos of Mickie James defeating photos of Trish Stratus last night to become the new Women’s Champion.
Joey talks about Vince’s announcement that Vince and Shane McMahon will face Shawn Michaels and God at Backlash. We also see footage of The Spirit Squad becoming the new tag team champions. Jerry Lawler talks about Carlito attacking Chris Masters after Chris Masters’s victory.
Match Number Three: Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson (with Little Billy) versus Candice Michelle and Mickie James (dressed like Trish Stratus)
Trish wants to start off with Mickie, but Candice attacks Trish from behind. Trish with a hammer lock into a side head lock and side head lock take down. Trish with a Matrix when Candice tries for a clothesline. Trish with a kick and head scissors to Candice. Trish tags in and Mickie tags in as well. Mickie with a go behind and then he slaps Torrie before kicking Trish in the knee on the apron. Mickie ducks a clothesline and hits a roundhouse kick for the three count. We go to commercial.
Winners: Candice Michelle and Mickie James
On Unlimited, Todd Grisham has some autographed Wrestlemania shirts and it is time for some WWE Wrestlemania Trivia.
We are back and it is time to look back at the Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. We heard from Gene Okerlund, Rey Mysterio, Chris Benoit, Chavo Guerrero Junior, Vickie Guerrero, and Bret Hart.
Chavo Guerrero Junior comes out and he reminds us that his name is Chavo Guerrero. In all of his life, he was never more proud than last night. He thanks everyone who kept Eddie’s memory alive because Eddie is alive in everyone. What made last night even more unbelievable was that his friend, make that his family member, Rey Mysterio won the World Title. They said he couldn’t do it, but he did. Chavo wishes that he had a chance to wrestle for a title at Wrestlemania, but he has a chance tonight. He has a chance to win the Intercontinental Title. Tonight is his Wrestlemania. Just like Rey Mysterio at the Royal Rumble, he dedicates tonight to Eddie. The morning of November 13th is a day that he will never forget. Eddie passed him the torch. He vows to Eddie, the fans, and his family that he will not let them down. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Shelton Benjamin asks Chavo if he heard him right that Chavo was going to win the title and dedicate it to Eddie. It is not a good night for dedication if you last name is Guerrero. Chavo has no chance. Shelton says that he is the most amazing athlete in the WWE. He asks Chavo if he has ever seen a pitbull fight a chihuahua. Shelton dedicates his next ass whooping to his mom.
Match Number Four: Chavo Guerrero Junior versus Shelton Benjamin for the Intercontinental Title
Benjamin with a waist lock take down into a side head lock. Chavo with a belly-to-back suplex for a two count. Benjamin with a knee and punch to Chavo. Shelton backs Chavo into the corner and he slaps Chavo. Chavo with Latino uppercuts followed by kicks to Benjamin. Chavo tries for a drop kick, but Shelton holds onto the ropes. Shelton catapults Chavo over the top rope, but Chavo holds on to the ropes and lands on the apron. Shelton with a knee lift that sends Chavo to the floor. Shelton hot shots Chavo onto the apron and then rolls Chavo back into the ring. Shelton gets a two count and then he applies a rear chin lock on Chavo. Chavo gets to his feet and he elbows Benjamin, but Shelton with a knee. Shelton comes off the ropes and is met with a drop kick from Chavo followed by punches and a back body drop. Chavo with a flying forearm. Benjamin tosses Chavo into the air, but Chavo with a drop kick for a two count. Chavo with a kick, but Shelton rakes the eyes. Shelton with an Irish whip, but he misses a Stinger Splash. Chavo with a tilt-a-whirl head scissors and then Chavo does the Eddie shimmy. Chavo with the Three Amigos vertical suplex combination and then he goes up top. Chavo misses the frog splash when Shelton moves out of the way. Shelton with the Exploder suplex for the three count.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
After the match, Chavo walks to the back and he apologizes to Eddie for losing. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, Chavo Guerrero is in the back and Todd wants to know what happened out there. Chavo says that he let everybody down. He let the fans down. He let his family down. He let Eddie down. Chavo starts to cry and suggests that maybe he isn’t supposed to be a wrestler. Chavo quits and walks away.
We are back with the WWE 24/7 This Week in History Moment: Clash of the Champions VI when Ric Flair wrestled Ricky Steamboat in a 2 out of 3 falls match.
We have a Moments Ago Moment from Unlimited when Chavo Guerrero quit.
Ric Flair comes out to the ring. Flair gets a mic and he woooos for the crowd. He says that he has had some unbelievable moments in Chicago like that is a shocker. Better than that, he has had some unbelievable moments in his career in Chicago. Last night, Ric Flair gave 120 percent, but he did not win. That does not mean that his pursuit of the World Heavyweight Title will be any less. Ric still thinks that he has a seventeenth title run in him.
Someone comes out and interrupts Flair. He tells us that his name is Armando Alejandro Estrada. He enters the ring and he tells Flair that his time is over and it is time for a change. He says that America needs a new hero. Flair interrupts Estrada and he tells him not to come out on his time. Estrada interrupts Flair again and he says that he grew up watching Flair in Cuba. Now he is a businessman who enjoys the nicer things in life. He enjoys nice clothes, just like Flair. He enjoys beautiful women, just like Flair. More than anything else, he enjoys the money. He tells Flair that his time is over and it is time to introduce the man who is going to change the face of Monday Night Raw and the entire WWE. Flair stops Estrada and asks him if he raised his voice to Ric Flair. He wants to know if Estrada got in Flair’s face. He tells Estrada to bring out his man because Flair is standing in the ring. Estrada tells Flair it is time to go and he introduces ‘Umaga’
Flair kicks Umaga, but Estrada kicks Flair in the leg and Umaga chokes Flair in the corner. He charges at Flair in the corner and hits a running splash. Umaga chokes Flair with his shirt and then head butts Flair and then he puts Flair in a Torture Rack followed by a modified TKO. We go to commercial.
On Unlimited, the referees check on Ric Flair in the ring and they suggest getting a trainer. Flair is helped to the back.
We are back and Ozzie Guillen is in the front row.
Hunter and Edge are talking about their earlier comments. Hunter says that it was heat of the moment. Edge suggest that Hunter give Cena a Pedigree. Hunter tells Edge to take it to Cena. Edge says that both of them can agree that they hate Cena and suggest taking care of him together. Edge and Lita walk to the ring, but Hunter stays behind.
On Unlimited, we see Hunter perform the most electrifying move in Sports Entertainment, the Game Fountain. We go to comments from John Cena from the post show after last night’s pay per view. He thanked everyone who supported him. We see Edge and Hunter react to those comments.
Match Number Five: Edge (with Lita) and Triple H (with GameFountain) versus John Cena
Hunter sits on the top turnbuckle to allow Edge to start things off. Edge and Cena lock up and Cena with a go behind and he sends Edge into the corner. Cena slaps Edge in the back. Hunter tells Edge to go after Cena. Cena blocks a kick and he punches Edge. Lita trips Cena and that allows Edge to punch Cena. Edge punches Cena followed by a forearm and more punches. Edge punches Cena again but Cena throws Edge over the top rope to the floor. Hunter chuckles at what he just saw and then Cena focuses on Hunter. Hunter comes off the throne in the corner, but Edge hits Cena from behind and then Hunter returns to the turnbuckle to watch. Edge punches Cena, but Cena gets Edge up for a fireman’s carry. Edge with a forearm followed by an Impaler DDT for a two count. Cena punches Edge and then there is a double clothesline and both men go down. Hunter continues to watch from the turnbuckle. Hunter comes down, but Cena sees him before the attack. Cena moves out of the way when Edge tries for a spear and Edge spears Hunter. Cena with two clotheslines to Edge followed by a flying shoulder tackle and back body drop. Cena punches Edge in the corner. Hunter comes from behind and he throws Cena out of the way and Hunter punches Edge. Cena and Hunter exchange punches on Edge and then Hunter with a spinebuster to Edge. Cena prepares for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Hunter with a Pedigree for the three count.
Winners: Edge and Triple H
After the match, Triple H leaves the ring and gestures that he wants the title.
