Greetings, Shenanifans. Before we jump into the main event, so to speak, Iâ<80><99>d like to clear up some confusion surrounding last weekâ<80><99>s â<80><9c>revealâ<80> (upâ<80><99>s to Ghost Hunters for the lingo) of the worst storylines ever. I suppose I underestimated how many new people will read one of my columns every week, which led to the aforementioned confusion.
Anyway, yes, readers, the Kane-Triple H â<80><9c>Katie Vickâ<80> storyline definitely belongs on the list of the worst storylines ever. In fact, I wrote a column half-devoted to it two weeks ago. So, when I asked for readers to vote for their worst storylines ever that same week, I declared that â<80><9c>Katie Vickâ<80> votes wouldnâ<80><99>t be counted. Nonetheless, I didnâ<80><99>t explain this last week in the results column, so thanks to the scrupulous readers who wrote in wondering about the tremendous oversight.
Now…to put the â<80><9c>worst storylinesâ<80> thing to bed, here are
â<80><9c>The Five Forgotten Awful Storylinesâ<80>
Did you notice what I, along with several Shenanigans readers, noticed about the â<80><9c>Worst Storylines Everâ<80> as voted by WZ visitors? All of the top 10 storylines were from WWE, 1999 and onward. Have we forgotten already about some of the biggest stinkers in wrestling history? Turkeys, movie stars, and Russo WCW, oh my!
Well, for those who demanded them, here they are. Some of these were forgotten entirely, some received only a vote or two. In every case, dear readers, the mentioned storyline was far worse than Vince and Hornswoggle.
1. David Arquette Wins the WCW Title
Granted, this made â<80><9c>honorable mention,â<80> but it shouldâ<80><99>ve been in the top 3. Letâ<80><99>s clear up, first, that David Arquette felt plenty bad after this whole thing went down. Iâ<80><99>ve even read that he donated a substantial portion of the paychecks he received from the angle to worthy causes relating to the wrestling business. Still, this crossed a new line for a WCW that had already jumped the proverbial Shark Boy a thousand times before.
Yes, itâ<80><99>s true when people say that WCW creative was disgracing the legacy of one of the most prestigious titles in wrestling history. Then, there’s the match Arquette competed in at the Slamboree PPV. A triple cage match? Are you freakinâ<80><99> serious? Apparently, they were. A select few wrestling fans enjoyed this angle, and it certainly garnered its share of attention. And yet, still, to borrow from good â<80>~ol JR, this storyline was a â<80><9c>boil on the butt ofâ<80> the wrestling business.
2. The Gobbledy Gooker
â<80><9c>Oh man, Kev!â<80> you say. â<80><9c>This one was truly horrible. All that payoff and for what?â<80> Exactly, hypothetical reader. And how many votes, pray tell, do you think the infamous turkey, who hatched from an egg at Survivor Series 1990 and danced his way right out of the WWF, received? One.
Yes, a single vote for the angle which gave birth to the very notion of â<80><9c>WrestleCrapâ<80> (you know where to find them). One vote! For the most laughed at and maligned character debut this side of Giant Gonzalez.
Yes, I admit it. I had nightmares about Giant Gonzalez when I was younger, and Iâ<80><99>m not talking about his wrestling, either. And no, I donâ<80><99>t care if Iâ<80><99>m making myself seem like a kid, here.
Hector Guerreroâ<80><99>s most watched moment and biggest shame – so shameful, in fact, that it was brought back for the â<80><9c>Gimmick Battle Royalâ<80> at WrestleMania XVII. One vote. I canâ<80><99>t believe it.
But, rest assured, readers, itâ<80><99>s true. Hector, since then, has had better luck as a Spanish commentator for TNA.
3. WCW Creative Become Champion Wrestlers
The Russo-Ferrara era of WCW wasnâ<80><99>t content with simply providing shock and awe, nor with taking the company to its most unwatchable points ever. No, the â<80><9c>creativeâ<80> team, instead, wanted to offend people AND drive them away forever. At the top of the (very long) list of crap the two turned out were a pair of angles involving the writers themselves. One saw Vince Russo winning the WCW world heavyweight title. Believe it or not, that was the lesser of the two evils.
On the other side of the stink coin, we saw Ed Ferrara take on the character of â<80><9c>Oklahoma.â<80> Ferrara mocked Jim Rossâ<80><99> persona, as well as the legendary announcerâ<80><99>s bout with Bellâ<80><99>s Palsy. Instead of being a one-off tasteless segment, the Oklahoma character was pushed…winning the WCW cruiserweight title in a match against Madusa. Whatâ<80><99>s that? Hornswoggleâ<80><99>s the lowest the cruiserweight division has ever sunk? Well, not quite.
Before you jump all over Ferrara for this angle, it should be noted that he later apologized to J.R. and that all is forgiven. Still…wow.
On a side note, I recently found out that Bob Mould, former singer for classic hardcore punk band, Husker Du, used to be a member of the WCW creative team. Any Husker Du fans reading? If there are more than two of you, Iâ<80><99>m thinking maybe I could do an â<80><9c>armchair bookingâ<80> article which utilizes the plot of the bandâ<80><99>s album, Zen Arcade, to give C.M. Punk a main event push. Anyone interested?
4. Robocop in WCW
Stop rubbing your eyes because yes, you did read that right. Never seen or heard about Robocop in WCW? Then, my friend, you havenâ<80><99>t really experienced a waste of time celebrity crossover angle. Weeks and weeks were spent building up the WCW appearance of kind-of movie phenomenon, Robocop, and the good heâ<80><99>d do for WCW. More specifically, how heâ<80><99>d be coming after the Four Horsemen.
Well, everybody, you can probably guess that Robocop didnâ<80><99>t exactly deliver the goods when he finally did appear at WCWâ<80><99>s Capital Carnage 1990. (Geez, what was it about 1990 anyway?) Hyped up as the â<80><9c>Ultimate Peace Officer,â<80> Robocop freed top WCW babyface, Sting, from a cage heâ<80><99>d been imprisoned in by the Four Horsemen, frightening the legendary faction away from the ring.
Sound great? It wasnâ<80><99>t. Give credit to play-by-play announcer, Jim Ross, for making the moment seem exciting.
5. Touretteâ<80><99>sdust
Iâ<80><99>m a big fan of Konnanâ<80><99>s 5150 segment which I guess, by default, makes me an enemy of Glen Gilberrti. Konnan raises some excellent points about wrestling being at its worst when it insults the intelligence of fans. This storyline did just that. And, while there are some more deserving of this spot, Iâ<80><99>d really like to take a look at this one. Especially because, typically, Iâ<80><99>m a huge fan of the Goldust character and this was a low point in its development.
Touretteâ<80><99>s Syndrome is a neurological disorder which causes vocal and motor tics in those who have it. A mere 25% of those with the disorder curse uncontrollably – due to a symptom known as coprolalia. WWE chose to exploit this relatively rare symptom, much like any other product which has done Touretteâ<80><99>s â<80><9c>humor.â<80> The problem here, though, is not really how offensive the storyline might have been. Itâ<80><99>s how it came about.
Goldust was afflicted with Touretteâ<80><99>s after being electrocuted by Evolution. People are BORN with Touretteâ<80><99>s. Itâ<80><99>s genetic, and no one can â<80><9c>acquireâ<80> it. They might as well have had Goldust get electrocuted and grow an extra leg because of it. Really, WWE. How stupid do you think we are?
Oh, right.
Honorable mention:
Team Pacman – a tag team champion who never gave or received a single wrestling move.
Ric Flairâ<80><99>s heart attack – WCW loved to push the envelope, and this was a disgusting way to do it.
Vince and Trish – Trish and Vince did their business in front of a catatonic Linda McMahon. Later, Trish was made to strip to her underwear and bark like a dog.
Kevin Federline and John Cena – Just kidding. I actually loved this one.
Alright, everybody, that about does it for this week. Thanks again to everyone who wrote in with votes, feedback, comments, or some combination of the three.
The Best Wrestling Moment Ever
Due to a few requests, Iâ<80><99>m going to do something I originally hadnâ<80><99>t planned on. As of right now, readers, Iâ<80><99>m going to start taking votes for the BEST Wrestling Moments of All Time.
A few readers, after looking at all this negativity, were longing for something positive. After being hesitant at first, Iâ<80><99>ve decided now to comply. But weâ<80><99>re gonna do this right, guys and gals! I want to make this a big thing, so this is how the voting will work.
Submit to me your favorite wrestling moments ever. Absolutely no limitations on what it could be, as long as itâ<80><99>s pro wrestling related. (For instance, The Rock at WrestleMania XVII or on SNL is acceptable, but Gridiron Gang is not.) You may submit up to ten favorite moments. If youâ<80><99>re submitting more than one moment, please list them in order. If you donâ<80><99>t, Iâ<80><99>ll rank them in the order youâ<80><99>ve listed them, from #1 to #whatever.
The submission deadline is March 27th. The results will be posted on WrestleMania weekend. Vote once, for up to ten moments, and tell your friends to do the same. The more votes I get, the bigger this list is likely to be.
Submit votes HERE
Thanks for reading and thanks, in advance, for your votes.
Kevin McElvaney is also a contributing writer for Pro Wrestling Illustrated and The Wrestler / Inside Wrestling. He prefers cantaloupe to honeydew, although itâ<80><99>s a tough choice to make.
