Warning: The following, like some (but not most) of the rest of the things I write, is satire. My tongue is stapled to the side of cheek, literally. Okay, not literally. Donâ<80><99>t you hate when people say things like that?
Anyway, be warned: Iâ<80><99>m not being completely serious here, and you shouldnâ<80><99>t take it as such. Now, with apologies to Sean Oâ<80><99>Mac – who has already expressed his distaste with this storyline – here we go.
â<80><9c>Forgetting Katie Vick – The Paul Burchill Storyâ<80>
First, he was the â<80><9c>Most Dangerous Man in OVW.â<80> After that, a nondescript Englishman with a Fujiwara armbar. Then, he was a pirate. Next, he was a pirate with William Regal in a dress. Once more, he was the most dangerous in OVW. Now, finally, itâ<80><99>s time for Paul Burchillâ<80><99>s big push on the Raw brand. And heâ<80><99>s a few weeks away from kissing his sister.
Yes, I know that Katie Lea Burchill isnâ<80><99>t really Paulâ<80><99>s sister. Heck, theyâ<80><99>d be a great wrestler / valet pairing if they werenâ<80><99>t being given this awful storyline. I mean, theyâ<80><99>re both British, and, normally, thatâ<80><99>s enough for WWE. Still, this is what theyâ<80><99>re being given to work with. And any of us who keeps up with the newsboards here on WrestleZone has read about what turns this angle is expected to take. We all probably hoped that this was one of those rare â<80><9c>bad reportsâ<80> from a bad source. WWE wouldnâ<80><99>t really go through with such a storyline, would they?
Believe this: they would, and they will.
It all began this week on Mondayâ<80><99>s Raw, with a remarkably unsubtle debut for Burchill / Sister Burchill. Katie Lea, by the way, used to wrestle under the name â<80><9c>Nikita, Queen of Chaos.â<80> Sheâ<80><99>s not to be confused with indy wrestler, Nikita Fink, who was previously set to be unveiled as Vince McMahonâ<80><99>s illegitimate daughter. Anyway, this segment didnâ<80><99>t get the crowd to boo or do much of anything. It was, really, just another loss for Brian Kendrick.
Why is WWE going through with this storyline which, while it will generate heat, is entirely inappropriate, offensive, and, to paraphrase Sean Oâ<80><99>Mac, about as far from entertaining as anything could be? Well, Iâ<80><99>ve got a theory: WWE wants to appease Triple H.
Oh, come on, Kev! Sure, 99% of everything Vince McMahon does is to inflate Triple Hâ<80><99>s blimp-sized ego. But why would Triple H want to see an incest angle?
Well, hypothetical reader(s), Triple H doesnâ<80><99>t want to see an incest angle, specifically. What he wants is the burden off his shoulders – you know, the one thatâ<80><99>s been there since 2003, when he participated in another infamous â<80><9c>Katieâ<80> angle. Since that time, Triple H has had to carry the burden of being involved in possibly the most disgusting wrestling segment of all time. Katie Vickâ<80><99>s ghost still haunts him. Literally. Okay, not literally.
Triple H knows full well that brother-sister tonsil hockey might just be the thing gross enough to make him forget his necrophilial worries. So thatâ<80><99>s why, over the New Yearâ<80><99>s holiday, Trips goaded a drunken Mr. McMahon into abusing Paul Burchillâ<80><99>s God-given talents once more. â<80><9c>Come on, Vince,â<80> he said. â<80><9c>Itâ<80><99>ll be funny.â<80> â<80><9c>Funnier than when D-X dumped feces on my head on the entrance ramp?â<80> Vince asked. â<80><9c>Far funnier,â<80> Triple H said, meaning it.
And so, weâ<80><99>re left with this awful, awful angle. Doo doo butter does it not contain, but itâ<80><99>s every bit as unpleasing to the senses. In fact, maybe more so. It may serve to get Burchill and Lea over to some extent but, ultimately, it will be a horrible stain on both of their careers. Also, itâ<80><99>s pretty obvious where itâ<80><99>s going to end.
Remember Beaver Cleavage? Remember how â<80><9c>greatâ<80> that angle was, and how close to incest it veered, only for it to be revealed that Beaver and his mother were actually boyfriend and girlfriend? Wow, what a twist! Then, after that, Beaver (formerly Mosh) became Chaz. Remember when Marianna Komlos (Mrs. Cleavage) accused Chaz of hitting her, only for Chazâ<80><99>s old tag team partner, Thrasher, to reveal that Marianna had been lying?
This is exactly where the Burchills storyline is headed, folks…save for the domestic abuse part. The backpedaling will be in full effect, though. Paul and Katie will, eventually, be revealed as boyfriend and girlfriend, who concocted this â<80><9c>cleverâ<80> scheme to get to the top of WWE. Thatâ<80><99>s EXACTLY what will happen. Sorry for teh spoilerz.
WWE will expect us, of course, to forget this storyline at some point. In the meantime, weâ<80><99>ll have to watch it every week. You have to wonder, though…would it even exist if Triple H hadnâ<80><99>t climbed into that coffin, making sweet, masked love to a mannequin?
Here endeth the satire. This is where you come in, loyal readers. Next week, Iâ<80><99>ll be writing a column devoted to some of the worst storylines in the history of wrestling. I want your help. What are your picks for some of the worst storylines ever? In my next column, Iâ<80><99>ll share some of yours, along with my own personal picks. Due to the mentions this week, the Burchills, Katie Vick, Chaz / Marianna, and anything to do with D-X and dookie are disqualified from the running.
Kevin McElvaney is also a contributing writer for Pro Wrestling Illustrated and The Wrestler / Inside Wrestling. Send questions or comments to kjmcelvaney@yahoo.com.
