Oh yes my children- that was the first of probably many 80’s pop song references. There’s a word for what I did, but I’m not quite sure what it is, and unlike many of you, if I don’t know a word, or how to spell it, I won’t use it. That notwithstanding, let me say that it’s great to be writing another article for the devoted readers of wrestlezone.com. Let me apologize for my brief hiatus. I’ve started filming a documentary about suicide, and let me tell you, it’s been a huge bummer. The process has been interesting, but the material is totally depressing, and writing about wrestling has really been the last thing on my mind the past couple weeks. Also, I pretty much already wrote this article, but accidentally forgot to save. Turns out that’s a no no when restarting your computer. This summer has been nuts, but let me assure you that once the leaves fall from the trees and we begin to carve our pumpkins, I will be much more dependable to provide an escape from both yours’ and my typically uneventful life.
I remember the last completely unpredictable moment in professional wrestling, for me at least. It was in March of 2001. I could tell you the exact date, but I don’t know it and don’t really feel like looking it up. The date is inconsequential though. What happened is what’s important. I turned on my television to watch Nitro, fully expecting to see if Booker T could capture Scott Steiner’s WCW Championship. My jaw dropped to the floor when I saw none other than Vince McMahon staring back at me through my television set. Vince had bought WCW – he finally won the Monday Night War. I was speechless, which I guess was a good thing ‘cause there was nobody I could really talk to about it anyway. The point is, this was the most unexpected thing I had ever seen in professional wrestling. Little did I know, it would be the last completely unexpected thing I would ever see in professional wrestling.
From that moment on, through no one’s fault but my own, I knew just about everything that was going to happen in wrestling, before it happened. I knew of the NWO coming to WWE, I knew of the reuniting of DX, I knew of returns and departures and injuries and storylines well before I actually saw them happen. Wrestling was still a passion for me. It was still almost a religious ritual. Every Monday I would make sure that I would be sitting in my favorite chair, watching my favorite form of sports and entertainment. It was just no longer unpredictable. And that’s my fault. I didn’t so much predict what was going to happen as much as read about what was going to happen. Wrestlezone.com became the second website I visited throughout the day, only after checking my email. I don’t necessarily believe this is a bad thing. I better not say it is, as I work for the fuggin’ website!- but I have entertained the thought of only writing my column and doing nothing more. No more checking the headlines, no more reading other columns, nothing. But then I realized that I would never be able to do that. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it also led me to believe that I actually “know” about the wrestling business. And that’s not something I want to give up. There’s a reason why DVD’s, and now Blue Rays, sell so well. People have seen the movie, now they want to see what goes on behind the scenes. They want to see the gag reels and the deleted scenes and they want to listen to the commentary. Wrestling is no different. We want to know why things happen. We want to know what’s going to happen. This isn’t a bad thing. The only time it becomes a bad thing is when we start to complain that wrestling is “predictable.” Go on, you can admit it- we’ve all done it. I know I have. Maybe the reason it’s predictable is because we know weeks ahead of time what/why/when/where/how something is to happen. That’s not so much the fault of WWE or TNA or whoever else; it’s ours. I’d be willing to bet that the casual fans don’t think wrestling is too predictable. My challenge to you, dear readers, is to go back to a time when you didn’t know everything that there was to know about wrestling. See if it’s still as predictable as you thought it was. My 2nd challenge to you is to email me at WesternRebellion@live.com and tell me about the last truly unexpected thing that you saw in professional wrestling. If I like it, and you spell most of the words correctly, I’ll post it here next week. Last time, I asked you how you know that you’re a wrestling fan. Here’s what you said:
Here’s how I know I’m a wrestling fan:
1) Whenever someone breaks a glass, I immediately want to give them a stunner and then flip them the bird.
2) If I see heavy garbage on the side of the ride I sometimes think to myself if there’s anything I can use as a hardcore weapon.
3) If I’m ever in a fight and give the guy a good hit, I’ll give one hell of a "WOOOOO!"
4) Whenever I throw out a shirt, I’ll try to Hulk Hogan it, sometimes with success
5) If I ever ask for someones name I always do the "IT DOESN"T MATTER" routine in my head
6) I still think WWF Royal Rumble for the Super Nintendo is quite possibly the best game ever made
7) I know what a slobberknocker is
That’s it hope you enjoy,
Good ones Zach! For the record, what is a Slobberknocker? Also, I’m really glad that you used Hulk Hogan as a verb J
1. Gonna eventually change my last so my initials would actually be DX
2. My one dream is to get married and make an entrence like shawn michaels did at Wrestlemania 12.
3. Just wanna do the shawn Michaels pose one time and have pyro going off behind me.
4. I dont look forward to the weekends, I look forward to monday nights.
5. Instead of high 5ing or shaking hands,Id rather do the wolfpack hand gesture.
6. Turned a replica belt to a beer drinking championship and wear it proudly ( I guess that just makes me an alcoholic)
7. My trip to Wrestlemania 25 was the greatest time Ive ever had.
8. Long story but- I was really tempted to give my ex boss the stunner, instead i super kicked him, did the crotch chop while he was down, flipped him off then quit then poured a pepsi on him (didnt have a beer on me hehehe)
Well I guess thats it, I do agree with most of what you already wrote. Especially the crotch chop..
Dude, you actually super kicked your boss? And you didn’t like, go to jail? Kudos on the Pepsi though. Pepsi is the drink of Gods. I like your number 4. That should be a T-shirt, no?
Hassaan Ahmad writes:
Hi, Loved your column…. reminded me of myself… I have had dreams …
Well Here is a list of things that make me that word you made up..
1. Once I tore my favorite shirt just like Hulk Hogan …. Yes I cut it with scissors first but never the less … totally worth it.
2. I drew a very cool picture of Triple H .. doesn’t count but I’m attaching it….
3. This could count as child harassment or molestation but I hit every Freaking wrestling move I know off on my cousins whose ages range from 5-8 every time we meet. Once I actually dropped one on his head while trying an F-5 … wasn’t a pretty sight.
4. I used to go to one of my neighbors house… only to play Smackdown because I did not have a Ps2 then and to jump on his spring mattress.
5. I am 17 and I play with action figures making up my own story lines … Even have a paper cutout World Heavy Weight Championship… and I am not afraid to accept it. Infact it is my favorite past time while in the loo.
6. Every time I open a browser I open any wrestlers page on Wikipedia and always go to Wrestlezone.com
7. I gave a sample piece to become a columnist on wrestlezone.com and for the next 3 days I checked my email every half an hour Waiting to recieve an acceptance from Chris Cash…. Even stayed up all night once Just incase… Well did’nt get it… So yeah …. I believe I win the Geek award. By the way im attaching that too… cause I took a shot at you =P
First of all, dreams about what big guy? I’m used to the people dreaming about me, but usually they’re of the female persuasion. And don’t worry about the child molestation thing. I used to do the same thing to my cousin. Just tell them you’re playing a game and they’ll never ask questions… that’s what my Uncle Diddles always used to tell me anyway. Sorry about the Chris Cash no response thing. Chances are, he liked your article but you may be just a bit too young. My advice would be to keep writing and posting on our forums, learn as much as you can about grammar and voice and all of that jazz, and try again in a year or so.
Big Dave Writes:
i read your editorial and it made me laugh because i’ve done most of those things too, but i tipped water all over the t.v.
here are just a few other things that i would say make me a wrestling geek.
1) I have nearly most of the action figures for the current wwe champions (with the exception of kofi kingston and tommy dreamer and i need another world tag team title belt) and every time the title changes hands and i don’t have that person in action figure i go out and buy it.
2) Whenever i look at the time and its 3:16 i instantly think of austin
3) now thanks to tna wrestling every time someone says respect i have to repeat it like booker t.
RESPECT!!!! Love it.
Justin Hurley writes:
When my wife and I have our first boy, I’m going to name him Hunter Hudson Hurley and then give him the monicker, Triple H. No freaking joke.
Justin W. Hurley
Justin, you better hope to God that your son is a wrestling fan. Otherwise he’s going to hate you. My son, The Undertaker Perkins, hasn’t spoken to me in years.
Chase Barnes writes:
Dude, you win. You are definitely a bigger geek than I am.
When reading your article, I saw that your local Wal Mart still sells the Basham Brothers. My first thought was "man I wish mine had the Bashams!", then I asked myself if I thought I could get you to buy it for me.
Also, for Christmas, my girlfriend bought me a Hell in a Cell ring. She spent 100 effing dollars on me, and it was for a toy. And I couldn’t have been happier.
Um. No. Definitely not gonna buy you the Basham’s. Sorry bro.
HI! NICK, I LOVED YOUR ARTICLE, HAHAHAHAHA MEN ALMOST EVERY THING YOU SAID THERE THAT HAPPENS TO YOU, IT ALSO HAPPENS TO ME.
*WHEN IM ON A LADDER, TRYING TO HANG SOMETHING AT HOME I IMMEDIATELY THINK ABOUT JUMPING OFF IT TO MAKE A SPLASH FROM THE LADDER AHAHAHA OR I REMEMBER EDGE AND THE LADDER MATCHES
*WHEN I COME OUT OF THE SHOWER AND IM IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, I DO WRESTLER’S TAUNTS, LIKE TRIPLE H OR LIKE EDGE WHEN IS GOING TO HIT A SPEAR AHAHAHAHHA
*WHEN I HEAR THE WORD "VENGEANCE" I REMEMBER THE PPV !
*I REALLY DREAM WITH WWE
*I HAVE PRACTICED SWEET CHIN MUSIC, SPEARS, PEDIGREES AND A LOT OF OTHER MOVES
*I HAVE SPITTED WATER OR SODA THOUSAND TIMES LIKE TRIPLE H
*I HAVE BOUGHT AN ACTION FIGURE, EDGE’S ONE FROM 2006!
NOW SOME OTHER "TIPS" FROM MY OWN THAT YOU CAN PUBLISH:
*I HAVE WRESTLED A LOT OF MATCHES WITH MY FRIENDS (ME TRYING TO REPLICATE EDGE AND MY FRIEND BEING JEFF HARDY,WE DO IT VERY WELL FOR NO TRAINED GUYS)
*WHEN I’M AT SCHOOL AND THERE IS A BORING CLASS, I WRITE WRESTLING CARDS ON THE BACK OF MY NOTEBOOK, OR DRAW A WRESTLER, OR WRITE SOME CATCH PHRASES OR HISTORICAL FACTS ABOUT WRESTLING AND THINGS LIKE THAT
*I’M A BIG FAN OF BUYING REPLICA BELTS AT WWESHOP.COM, I HAVE THE WWE, WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT AND INTERCONTINENTAL TITLES!
*I LOVE RIC FLAIR!!!!! AHAHHAHA YEAH
*I WANT TO TRAVEL TO THE USA TO TRAIN AND BECOME PRO WRESTLER!
*I RESPECT AND LOVE CLASSIC WRESTLING AND IT’S RICH HISTORY
*NICK, I’M CARLOS, I DON’T LIVE IN THE USA BUT I LOVE WRESTLING I KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT, AND I WILL LOVE TO SHARE MORE FACTS AND THINGS ABOUT WRESTLING WITH YOU, (SERIOUSLY) I TAKE WRESTLING LIKE IT IS MY LIFE BELIEVE ME I’M A TRUE FAN, IM MORE THAN A FAN, I BREATH WRESTLING!
THANKS AND I’LL WAIT YOUR RESPONSE
The reason I included this was because it really proves that wrestling fandom transcends countries. Thanks for reading and writing Carlos.
And now, the most important email I’ve ever gotten comes from SPC Jeremiah Shoemate:
I know I’m a wrestling fan because I sometimes still break out my replica of the World Heavyweight Title and pose with it on my trampoline like I’m preparing for a match! By the way thanks for your articles. You normally express great opinions and they make for an entertaining article. And trust me, that entertainment is greatly appreciated while I’m in Afghanistan. I hope you post my letter. Thanks for the articles and keep ’em comin!
SPC Jeremiah Shoemate
A freakin’ soldier reads my stuff! I’ve been lucky enough to live a pretty blessed life. I worked for MTV, talked to Victoria and Matt Striker, write for this site, and many other things, but the fact that my columns provides just a modicum of entertainment to somebody that’s fighting for my freedom in Afghanistan will definitely go down as a highlight of my life. It also proves that professional wrestling creates a bond between people that only other wrestling fans can truly understand.
That’s it for me my children. Check back next week, and while you’re here, be sure to check out all of the other great articles. I don’t think you fans know how lucky you are to be able to email Mark Madden and have him answer your questions about WCW. You’re also lucky to have me, but you already know that. And I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.