Feature: Steve Anderson on So-Called Celebrity Wrestling, Brother

WrestleZone


Is it fair to review a movie based on the previews? Hell, some fanboys rip on their favorite comic-book-turned-movie before the cameras even roll.

But enough about meâ<80>¦

I give you the promo for CMTâ<80><99>s newest reality show, Hulk Hoganâ<80><99>s Celebrity Championship Wrestling. If a preview is sn*ppets of the best moments, I donâ<80><99>t have high hopes for this show.

First, the â<80><9c>celebritiesâ<80> that will appear, proving there is a list lower than â<80><9c>D.â<80>

Danny Bonaduce — Former star of the Partridge Family and Breaking Bonaduce and current train wreck.

Todd Bridges — Former star of â<80><9c>Diffâ<80><99>rent Strokesâ<80> andâ<80>¦well, thatâ<80><99>s about it.

Butterbean — â<80><9c>Never Wasâ<80> Boxer and apparent subject of a B52â<80><99>s song.

Trishelle Cannatella — Billed as a â<80><9c>reality television star and Playboy model.â<80> She has helped many teen boys through puberty.

Dustin Diamond — Screech from the god-awful Saved by the Bell, canvasback in a celebrity boxing show, and wannabe porn star.

Erin Murphy — Former star of Bewitched. Wow, you canâ<80><99>t make this stuff up.

Dennis Rodman — Yawn.

Frank Stallone — He is billed as an â<80><9c>actor and singer who has been in four of the six Rocky films starring his brother, Sylvester.â<80> Geez, donâ<80><99>t blink.

Tiffany — Pop singer of the 80â<80><99>s now in the â<80><9c>I Donâ<80><99>t Care Whatever Happened Toâ<80> category.

Nikki Ziering — Another Playboy model often seen with a staple on her stomach and a strange-smelling viscous liquid on her picture.

The premise is that these â<80><9c>celebsâ<80> will be broken into two teams: Team Beefcake coached by Brutus â<80><9c>The Barber and Subway Attendantâ<80> Beefcake and Team Nasty coached by Brian â<80><9c>Nasty Boyâ<80> Knobs. Folks, the coaches are better known than the celebs.

The judges are Jimmy Hart (the Dick Clark of pro wrestlingâ<80>¦man, is he well preserved), Eric Bischoff, and the Hulkster himself. Again, the â<80><9c>celebsâ<80> donâ<80><99>t even touch these guys in the fame and notoriety department.

So, with the players in place, hereâ<80><99>s how I see the way people will be judged.

Backstage Politicking — Learn the â<80><9c>inâ<80><99>s and outâ<80><99>sâ<80> of the Creative Control contract clause. Throw a fit. Veto an angle. Walk out when youâ<80><99>re not happy.

Holding a Grudge — Continue to caterwaul about how you ran the â<80><9c>biggest promotion in pro wrestlingâ<80> and you didnâ<80><99>t â<80><9c>steal anythingâ<80> and you didnâ<80><99>t â<80><9c>borrow any ideas.â<80> In other words, instead of resting upon your many accomplishments, donâ<80><99>t take responsibility for your failures.

Carrying Luggage/Displaying Man-Love — Your career is over, so why not hang out with your more famous buddy to get some face time on a VH1 reality show.

Tanning — The password is ORANGE!

Bragging About the Future — Talk incessantly about the promotion youâ<80><99>re going to be setting up in the near future. The money that is behind it. The investors and the major wrestlers who will join you. Sure, it wonâ<80><99>t happen, but its fun to pretend, isnâ<80><99>t it?

Proper Use of the Word â<80><9c>Brotherâ<80> — Self-explanatory.

Okay, Iâ<80><99>m being hard on a show I havenâ<80><99>t seen yet. I will give it a chance and watch it. You can count on a continuation of the sarcasm or an apology for jumping the gum. I choose the former. I donâ<80><99>t doubt the entertainment value, but only in a â<80><9c>so bad its good kinda way.â<80>

Brother.

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