The Widow’s Peak: The WWE’s Spoof Record!

Many people wear different masks in their lifetime, whether it’s to hide a feature they hate or to manipulate people. It’s usually these people who get what is coming to them, á la the phrase: paybacks are bitches. This has nothing to do with wrestling, but I was duped and I’m not too happy about it, but I can’t and won’t change it; oh the joys of the internet, right? Anyway, I write to you dear members about wrestling because no matter how bad it gets, I still watch it.

This past week on Raw, the beginning segment was a “spoof” of the Monday Night Football opening segment featuring the Eagles’ Terrell Owens and Desperate Housewives’ Nicolette Sheridan. Instead of Terrell, we had Shelton Benjamin and instead of Nicolette, we had Trish Stratus; now Nicolette was the conniving bitchy slut probably around the time that Trish wanted to break out in modeling magazines. Therefore, in all essence, the WWE and Trish Stratus stole Nicolette’s character and made it better…or so you would think. Shelton is the only African-American ever really used correctly in the WWE, if you know another one let me know, so it’s only fitting that he fill Terrrell’s place.

In this edition of the Widow’s Peak, I’m putting to rest the ironic twist of fate of Vince McMahon’s saying: “Are you ready for some wrestling?”

Are You Ready for Some Wrestling?.

These were the words spoken by the WWE Chairman himself, Vince McMahon, during the opening segment of Monday Night Raw last week. I guess you could say that the WWE gave us what we wanted, but then again, most of the matches were so short, it was hard to even conceive that wrestling happened. We had Coach vs. Rhyno, which by all means was short and served its purpose, but that two or three minutes that were a waste could have been added to either the women’s title match or the 6-person tag match.

Some people’s tastes differ, some like the wrestling aspect better than the “entertainment” and vice versa. I personally, would love to see more thought put into the wrestling aspect of World WRESTLING Entertainment than the entertainment aspect. Anyway, we got Rhyno goring the crap out of Coach, Batista going crazy on Chris Jericho, Lita showing her true colors against Molly Holly and Trish Stratus, Eugene, Regal and our STAR, Shelton Benjamin fending off Captain Charisma, or Christian(which ever. Captain Charisma reminds me of a breakfast cereal) and La Resistance, and Edge facing off against GM of the night, Chris Benoit.

It was actually a lackluster night during Benoit’s reign as GM, but the momentum really died when the cage match: Benoit vs. Triple H was turned into Edge vs. Benoit in a Cage match. Now, I have nothing against Edge, in fact I love the guy, but it didn’t really help matters all that much. I mean considering that the whole Evolution break up or make up turned out to be a joke, it made the entire night a waste of time. Actually, when Batista came out, followed by Flair and Triple H, I turned the TV off, thinking that it will probably end up a joke. I was right, for once in my life I was right…well about wrestling anyway. I was really excited to see Benoit go for the gold again, but what we got Edge who couldn’t get his hands on Shawn Michaels, so he went to the next thing he could get his “lone wolf” mentality hands on.

Are you ready for some wrestling didn’t quite live up to its expectations, it tried but failed somewhat. I’m not a pessimist in the way of wrestling, but there are certain expectations, as a fan, that I have of the wrestling company I’ve come to call home. Maybe I’m too picky or maybe I’m just a bit too bitchy, but whatever my problem is, (I admit it, finally!) Monday Night Raw was anything but ready to rumble.

Monday Night Wrestling.

On Monday Night Football, Terrell Owens and Nicolette Sheridan caused a stir, which has been overblown out of proportion. The Eagles head coach said the beginning segment was “racially insensitive” because Terrell was black and I’m thinking well, duh, he is black and because Nicolette was white! I heard this and I was thinking, “What an idiot!” how could that be called racially insensitive; but you see, I think it was Terrell’s involvement as to why everyone is blowing it out of proportion. Terrell Owens is what Dennis Rodman is to basketball and that’s a guy who runs his mouth and shows no apologies for it; that’s why so many people loved Dennis and why so many people hated him and the same goes for Terrell.

Vince McMahon hasn’t, well actually, I don’t think anyone could ever mistake Vince McMahon for a moral or racially sensitive person. I mean look at some of the storylines his company has produced: Kane sleeping with Katie Vick, Mae Young giving birth to a hand(which still creeps me out to this day), Kane impregnating Lita(something I always thought would be Matt Hardy’s job, but I digress), the mistreatment of Rodney Mack, Jazz and Teddy Long and others. So I knew that Vince wouldn’t be able to pass up the opportunity to piss off the FFC, a company whom I believe Vince knows a little bit too well. I turned on Spike TV ready to see what would happen at Raw and I see Shelton Benjamin in the locker room asking Trish Stratus what she was doing there.

Actually looking at Trish Stratus, to me, is nauseating and with that mask thing on, she reminds me a little bit too much of Hannibal Lector. I mean lets’ face it, Hannibal Lector ate people and Trish…well she ate people too (I’m going to get a lot of flax about that, but I thought it was funny). In all reality, if I had to look like one diva I’d probably choose Stacy Keibler, I mean I could look at myself in the mirror more than probably Simon Dean or Christian does (and that’s saying a lot about our dear Captain Charisma). Anyway, in walks Vince who is just shocked and said something needs to be done; something needs to be brought down so the youth of America don’t become corrupt or something along those lines.

I admit that the WWE has done some stupid opening segments, but this was just dumb. I’m in a minority here and this isn’t the first time I’ve found myself in this position, but I didn’t find anything funny about it. As soon as Vince walked in, I changed the channel, but flipped it back in time to here Vince say: ” Are you ready for some wrestling?!”, which in my mind was just as dumb as GM for the night, Chris Benoit telling Coach that he thought J.R. meant Just Rhyno. I mean let’s face it Shelton Benjamin is no Terrell Owens (but he seems to be heading in that direction, at least character wise) and Trish Stratus is no Nicolette Sheridan (which is a good thing because Nicolette knows how to cause more trouble than Trish herself does). I mean probably just every man watching Raw last week wants to see Trish Stratus naked, but I’m not a man and I DO NOT want to see Trish Stratus naked.

I had heard so much about this little segment during Monday Night Football and I didn’t want to see it on my wrestling. I was sick of hearing that Terrell Owens, the Eagles and the NFL should be crucified over a segment like that. So you’re probably wondering why I’m talking about it, well I have an answer for that: I want to put this segment away in the WWE vaults never to be seen again. By the looks of Raw last week, Vince and his “creative team” should have focused more on the wrestling than a useless segment. Or as least given Chris Benoit, a better line than: “You see I thought when you meant J.R. you meant, Just…Rhyno!” Chris Benoit, the best technical wrestler in the business, is being used like this? OH THE HUMANITY!!

In between getting, the wool pulled over my eyes for the last 3 months (which was a genius plot, although the people who did it, weren’t exactly very smart. I know more about computers and finding people than I let people believe), looking for a new boyfriend and getting drenched with rain, I had to write a wrestling column. I was looking for something to write about and as usual, the WWE gave me that and with that, I thank them.

Terrell Owens and Nicolette Sheridan have caused quite a controversy, but I still can’t understand the big deal about it. Terrell is black and Nicolette is white, are we living in a racially indifferent country( I don’t know if other countries have had the problems between whites and blacks for the centuries the United States have had), that a black man and a white woman just flirting is “racially insensitive”? Get over yourself FFC or take a page of Rob Van Dam’s book and just chill (but please don’t get caught smoking crap, okay?).

The WWE’s track record for tasteful segments hasn’t been the McMahon’s strongest assets (um, but Stephanie’s are, I think!). The McMahon’s have sometimes got a good track record for funny segments(like E & C making fun of Matt and Jeff Hardy’s comical personas in North Carolina), but only one funny thing actually came out of this: ” Well, I don’t know if you know this Shelton, but….you’re an African American!” Good job Vince; you get a cookie for the day, but please leave the dumb comments to people like Christian and Simon Dean, okay?

Well, that’s been my thoughts and commentary about the WWE for this week. I’m sure tonight’s Raw will give me something else to work with for the month of December. And with Christmas coming faster, I’m sure I’ll have a wrestling wish list for next year. Like always, you can reach me two ways, by email at or posting in the WZ Columnist Lounge. So from Central Illinois, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.