Undertaker: The Uncle Fester Years
The Undertaker made a surprise appearance at a WWE house show in Waco, Texas, fueling speculation that he will, indeed, return at WrestleMania 29.
But it’s more than speculation. If ‘Taker wasn’t a LOCK for ‘Mania, WWE wouldn’t have posted a video of his entrance at Waco on their official YouTube channel. No point promoting something you’re not sure of. WWE is sure.
Not much time to spin an angle for ‘Mania, but ‘Taker doesn’t need one. 20-0. There’s your angle. The opponent almost doesn’t matter.
Will it be C.M. Punk? Probably. Punk doesn’t currently have anything, either. But the opponent almost doesn’t matter with Punk, too.
I’m not sure what angle works best with Undertaker-Punk. Punk using pragmatism and cynicism to no-sell ‘Taker’s supernatural shenanigans would provide great promos, but wouldn’t benefit ‘Taker’s character. ‘Taker’s character doesn’t need diminished, especially given his absence and current substandard appearance.
Undertaker is a bit chunky, a bit flabby and bald doesn’t work for him. That’s a minor concern, though: He’s still THE UNDERTAKER. If ‘Taker’s credibility survived that dreadful motorcycle phase, it can survive an Uncle Fester phase.
Whoever ‘Taker wrestles, it won’t approach his matches with Triple H. He just can’t handle that anymore. That’s why he’s not wrestling Brock Lesnar, and won’t. ‘Taker’s battered body can’t take that level of punishment.
But ‘Taker has never been about four-star matches. He’s the longest-running, most successful gimmick performer in fake wrestling history because of the GIMMICK. Between ‘Taker’s persona and 20-0, all he’s got to do is show up.
Now, we know he’s going to.
And, Punk marks, ‘Taker will win. Why? Because that’s what the fans want.
WE, THE PEOPLE…
…have the right to remain silent. What’s that smell, sir?
Jack Swagger returned to house-show action at Waco. C’mon, gang…THAT character has to work THERE. It looks like Swagger’s push will continue despite his marijuana bust. It looks like he will get his ‘Mania title match.
That’s as it should be.
Imagine if the NBA or NFL suspended every player that smoked pot. The NFL would be down to eight teams. Pro basketball might go defunct.
Fake wrestling is under no obligation to incorporate real life. Maybe the dope was in the glove compartment of a Hertz vehicle previously rented by a Mexican. Maybe it was planted by Ricardo Rodriguez. Make up an excuse.
If you believe in Swagger, and you believe in the gimmick, proceed as planned.
Will the gimmick work? Will Swagger get over? Will Alberto Del Rio become a bigger babyface? Those are different questions.
Given fake wrestling’s low-rent audience, Swagger and Zeb Colter could wind up babyfaces to a lot of people. If marks want right-wing political talk, they watch Fox News. Fake wrestling is supposed to provide an escape from that. Colter can sure talk. Everyone knows a guy like Colter. But Swagger has never impressed.
Follow Mark Madden on Twitter: @MarkMaddenX