EXCLUSIVE: London Brawling To The Impact Zone

LONDON BRAWLING TO THE IMPACT ZONE

 

TNA is so awful that I found something to HATE about Impact while channel surfing between football games Thursday. What were the odds?

 

Actually, they must have been SHORT. Despite barely watching, I found TWO things I hated.

 

Isn’t Abyss one of TNA’s top heels? A MONSTER? OK, so how does Abyss lose clean to Stevie Richards via Stevie-kick? Tell me the benefit. WAY TOO LATE to elevate Stevie. Shawn Michaels certainly didn’t beat Undertaker via Sweet Chin Music at WrestleMania. Abyss is the fat Undertaker. Stevie’s no HBK.

 

OK…give me a second to regroup. That last analogy was as convoluted as a Wrestlezone.com message board post.

 

Let’s look at the confrontation between the Motor City Machine Guns and London Brawling.

 

First off, “London Brawling”? That name has Terry Taylor written ALL OVER IT. How many TNA fans remember The Clash? How many remember THAT ALBUM?

 

Anything these teams do should be foolproof. Four good individuals. Two good teams. Chemistry between the partners, and there’s potential for chemistry between the teams. That confrontation should have been electric.

 

It sucked.

 

WAY OVERSCRIPTED. The same person obviously scripted both sides of the promo. Four guys, one voice, no individuality that went beyond cliché, just a nightmare. The Brits dropped the occasional “wanker,” “bloke” and “bird.” I visit England once a year, and I NEVER HEAR THOSE WORDS. Wrestling characters are traditionally stereotypical by way of simplicity, but aren’t the accents enough? Wolfe and Magnus are good. So are the MCMGs. JUST LET THEM BE GOOD. Give them bullet points for promos. Let their intelligence and charisma fill in the blanks. Then they become what they SHOULD, not what a booker WANTS.

 

Sometimes that’s not good enough. With these four, it should be. If it’s not, at least it’s on the people whose careers are on the line.

 

The babyfaces looked dumb, allowing themselves to be jumped in broad daylight after letting their guard down during a face-to-face confrontation. I don’t understand the dynamic between Wolfe and Chelsea. Wolfe’s character wouldn’t have a valet, let alone one perceived as a romantic interest. And she can’t talk back – let alone make fun of his penis size on TV – because, as we saw, THERE’S NO GOOD WAY OUT OF IT.

 

It’s not like the old days, when Tully Blanchard would bust Baby Doll in the chops. The only allowable escape is a babyface saving the valet from the heel’s IMPLIED menace, a la Hulk Hogan rescuing Elizabeth from Randy Savage.

 

Chelsea hates Wolfe and has publicly proclaimed him a bad lay, yet stays with him, which makes her a stupid bitch. Wolfe is a heel with a small penis who tolerates being verbally cuckolded. IT’S GOT THE LOOK, THE SIZE, THE RAP, I SMELL MONEY.

 

Not everything can be good. Logic must occasionally be stretched. But everything about the MCMG-London Brawling segment was BAD. It should have been so much better.

 

TNA apparently felt the same, pulling London Brawling off the PPV. But those guys are good. It wasn’t their fault. But TNA isn’t known for accurately identifying problems, then fixing them.