Is That All There Is?; Y’Know, Maybe I Did Suck

Mark Madden

IS THAT ALL THERE IS?

So, here’s how the new Monday Night Wars shape up:

*Kurt Angle and Hulk Hogan will battle Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley for control of TNA, with Dixie Carter a big on-air presence.

*Vince McMahon will settle his 12-year-old feud with Bret Hart, who will ignore the aftereffects of a stroke to ill-advisedly (yet self-righteously) climb back into the ring for one more match, and bang Melina, too.

Are you serious? This is the best they can come up with?

Dissecting TNA’s gambit first, you’ve got to credit the participants for involving the money mark. “Did you hear that pop, Dixie? The crowd’s into you big-time!” I can almost hear Paul Heyman whisper to Tod Gordon.

There’s a reason there’s never a battle waged for, say, control of the Pittsburgh Steelers, or the NFL: Legal documents establish clearly who owns and controls what. That way the mundane task of piling up millions by running America’s largest sports league is more easily carried out.

When Commissioner David Stern and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban play one-on-one in a minefield with control of the NBA at stake, then TNA’s proposed feud will be logical. (Crooked ref Tim Donaghy could officiate.)

No one cares who owns/runs the promotion. Never did. Battles between charismatic figures have drawn money against that backdrop. But this isn’t 1996, and Jarrett and Foley sure aren’t Scott Hall and Kevin Nash. This angle is wrestling necrophilia. The idea has been done to death.

It does allow Hogan to be a central figure without wrestling, thank God. But if this angle is Hogan-approved, TNA might as well retain Vince Russo to well and truly mangle it, because it’s exactly the kind of illogical, wrestling-unrelated storyline Russo, uh, specializes in. It’s a non-starter, stillborn, especially given that the participants have been drained of charisma.

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