Oooooooookay…….
In a few years, when the WWE is in dire financial straits and there are daily internet columns offering opinions on whether or not there will be another Wrestlemania – some basement-dweller with a better-than-average working knowledge of Adobe Premiere Pro will create a you tube mash-up video of all of the stupidity that has masqueraded as WWE programing this year liberally interspersed with the footage from this weekâs âRawâ of Vince McMahon standing on stage with one million worked dollars, rubbing his thumb and forefinger, moaning is his best soon-to-be 63 year old faux hip-hop voice, âIts all about the mon-ay!â
McMahonâs pandering, meandering speech Monday was not as offensive as it was just bad television and even worse branding and marketing. Letâs sparse these gems of the Queenâs English delivered by Mr. McMahon, shall we? My comments follow the exact words of fearless leader.
“Last week I said I was going to give you all of the details as to how…you can participate; how you can witness me giving away a million dollars of my own money each and every week here on âRawâ for as long as I like.â
So you admit you were lying?
âThis is no hoax, okay? This is the real deal.â
Unlike Katie Vick and the Limo Explosion (ed.note – Band name!)
âSo of course your next question is how can you get in on the action.â
Actually our next question is why are you still pushing John Cena, Jr. and Jiggly Boobs Layfield?
âIts pretty easy.â
As easy as Diva Search contestant? But, I digress…..
âAll you have to do is register on wwe.com, how simple is that? Simple! Thereâs no contest here, nothing like that, just go to wwe.com and register.â
And be prepared to be spammed to cyber-death with gorilla marketing campaigns hyping Boogeyman teddy bears and Jillian Hall CDâs.
âWeâll ask you for your telephone number where youâre going to be next week during the live broadcast of âRaw. Weâll ask you for your address, speaking of which, one stipulation is you must me a resident of the United States of America.â
For the rest of you, stay tuned for Mr. McMahonâs one million peso give-away contest exclusively on âHeat!â
âNow the question is why.â
Oh, Vince, my boy, you have no idea how right you are on that one.
âWhy would I give away, yeah! Why would I give away a million dollars in cash every week on âRaw?â
Yeah! Why not give it away on âAmerican Idolâ where a LOT of people will see it?
âWell maybe its because Iâm a little eccentric.â
Kinda like Britney was a little pilled up.
âMaybe its because Iâm generous.â
Or maybe not.
âOr maybe its because I just want to attract more people to enjoy what you enjoy each and every Monday night.â
Watching âTwo And A Half Menâ and âBonesâ repeats?!
âAttract more people to watch âRaw.â
Oh. Sorry.
âI mean for instance, people who watched us years ago, I want to invite them back, ask them to come on back home.â
Like the 9.3 million that watched âRawâ on June 5, 2000, giving you a 5.9 rating head-to-head against âNitro?â THOSE people? Theyâre not coming back.
âPeople who have never watched the WWE before, letâs get them to tune in.â
All 295 million of them?! What a great idea!
âI think theyâll like it, no question.â
I have a question.
âAlthough there will be some who donât. Weâre not everybodyâs cup of tea.â
Or syringe of ….ah, forget it.
âThen again there are those individuals who would not be caught dead watching âRaw.â
Louie Spiccoli, Rick Rude, Road Warrior Hawk, Brian Pillman, Curt Hennig, Owen Hart, Davey Boy Smith, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Bryan Adams, etc.
âYou see they donât understand that the WWE audience is a cross section of Americana.â
Merriam-Webster defines Americana as â…materials concerning or characteristic of America, its civilization, or its culture…â You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
âThey donât understand you at all. They donât understand that you represent, represent every, every race, you represent every profession, every income level.
From mostly white to partly white. From convenience store clerk to convenience store night manager. From poor to damn poor!
âYou represent Americana.â
There you go again.
âThatâs who you are. They donât get it.â
Oh some body doesnât get it, alright.
âThey donât get that you come here on Monday nights and enjoy yourself and have a good time.â
Then the show starts.
âThey donât understand that. As a matter of fact, I would like to give those snobs a little example of how much fun we have on âRawâ here on Monday nights. I want you to show all those posters, show all these signs, get up, cheer, boo, yell – weâre talking Bakersfield, California!â
You don’t know me, but you don’t like me.
You say you care less how I feel.
But how many of you that sit and judge me,
Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?
âWeâre talking Americana!â
*sigh* Oh, boy.
âIt pays to be a WWE fan in more ways than one. Register on dot com. Good luck everybody and next week here on âRaw,â its all about the money!â
Way to go preacher. The choir just LOVED the sermon! Wish more people had filled the pews, though. Three! Point! One! Three! Point! One! Three! Point! One!
