The American Hero Joey Styles

Scott Hudson

Joey Styles punched out John Bradshaw Layfield.

Jesus Freakin’ Christ, Joey Styles punched out John Bradshaw Layfield!!!

Its not that Joey did it. Joey’s no pushover (not by any stretch of the imagination), but, honestly, there are a helluva lot tougher guys in the WWE than Joey Styles who cut and ran when this steaming pony loaf named John Bradshaw Layfield would wield his vaselined harassment fingers high.

Its not that Joey did it. Its that ANYBODY did it.

JBL (Joey’s Bitch Layfield) has long been the bully of the locker room in the WWE. He has made his disdain for professionalism crystal clear to all by his infantile actions but has, thus far, escaped the wrath of Darth McMahon because….well, I’m not really sure.

It cannot be because JBL (Jiggly Boobs Layfield) is such a huge draw. The precious few pay-per-views he has headlined have not exactly resulted in scorching buyrates. His quarter-hour segment breakdowns on whichever brand he found himself on have not opened any eyes. His work in the ring has usually risen or fallen depending on the caliber of his opponent (which also means that I doubt we will ever see JBL vs. Great Khali.) His work ethic is on par with a quadriplegic rhinoceros operating carnival rides. And has made no bones about the fact that he could not care less if anyone respects him.

In other words – he is a douche.

Yet, he continues to be employed by the WWE and has been since 1996. He has left no doubt in the mind of anyone who has ever formulated a rational thought that he is worthless as a wrestler and/or sports entertainer. He draws no money. He draws no ratings. He is a liability to the promotion (remember the nazi salute and march in Germany?). He simply has no redeeming qualities other than (I guess) he’s a big, tough guy.

That is, until Iraq.

The war that has been waging since 2003 has scuttled a congress and a president. And now is has scuttled an asshole. No longer will we refer to "Napolean meeting his Waterloo" to indicate someone finally meeting his match. It will be "JBL meeting Joey in Iraq."

Can JBL (Just Bought Lunch) kick my ass? Of course! Nine ways to Sunday. Who do think I am?! Joey Styles?! That is not the issue. If might makes right then I’m wrong. But might does not make right. Right makes right and this moron is beyond wrong. Just like on the FOXNews Saturday morning business block a few weeks ago. Layfield, in his role as a �<80><9c>financial expert,�<80>� was asked for his stock pick of the week. This dim bulb, with a straight face, named the WWE stock. The other panelists laughed at him. The stock has dropped like a stone since. Good advice, there, JB. Got any thoughts on Saturday’s fourth race at Santa Anita? Are you sure that the USFL, New Coke, and the McDLT are sure things?

So, I ask you: what would JBL (Jingoism Before Logic) have to do to be wished well in his future endeavors by the two-headed McMahon hydra that is dive bombing the airship WWE into a Lakehurst parking lot? Apparently nothing.

What a wonderful posterchild for aspiring WWE talent. Prove that you can’t draw and be a resplendent asshole to everyone in the company not named McMahon and you, yes YOU, can masquerade as talent and parlay your �<80><9c>celebrity�<80>� into a �<80><9c>career�<80>� as a �<80><9c>financial expert�<80>� on FOX �<80><9c>news�<80>� and �<80><9c>write�<80>� a book about your �<80><9c>knowledge.�<80>� And then marry a woman who caused a panic because she spouted off about a bank’s stability before her morning Midol kicked in.

What the hell ever happened to wrestling anyway?

Whatever. Until JBL (Jackingoff Behind Lillian) grows up or Vince grows a pair, he will be held in good graces. In all honesty, Joey Styles punching Layfield’s ticket for Pittsburgh may finally be what does JBL in. If you live by the porksword, Johnny, you die by it.

Long Live Joey Bradshaw Layfield!

Have a news tip? Attended an event and want to send a live report? Submit it now!
monitoring_string = "851cc24eadecaa7a82287c82808f23d0"